Wednesday, May 30, 2012

accidents do happen

hello dearest blog,
in a little while I'll post some photos from today using my phone, but for now I just need to meander along my thought pathway to calm myself.
Xin ended up helping out with the aftermath of a car crash today, while I watched on from the sidewalk. A man was hit by a car and knocked off his pushbike - thankfully he was wearing a helmet so his head injuries weren't as serious as they could have been. He had quite a few bumps and scraps, but the most obvious injury was a severely broken ankle. His foot was going in a direction it most definitely shouldn't have been going. I could see the bone under the skin protruding at an angle that can only be described as unnatural. Xin was assisting by elevating said ankle, while another kind man held the bike rider to stop him from moving his spine.


I didn't witness the car crash, but I heard it. I didn't help with the aftermath, but I watched.


My thoughts are scattered right now - I'm finding it hard to reel them back in. I am capable of witnessing that I'm stressed about work tomorrow, and about the two essays I need to finish before 5pm on Friday, but these seem like minor inconveniences compared to the knot of anxiety forming in my stomach. I'm not entirely sure why I'm reacting this way - I wasn't particularly bothered by the sight of the injuries, and I am so proud of Xin for helping out and doing what I am unable to do because of my nervous/sensitive tendencies.


Perhaps that's the root of the problem - I wonder if I could have done what Xin did. Perhaps I don't have the strength of character or the bravery to walk up to someone and offer assistance. I somewhat arrogantly believe that I am good at helping people - at talking to them and listening to them compassionately. But perhaps this is an illusion created by my own ego so that I'm more comfortable with my existence.


I have this little voice at the back of my mind saying to me 'stop it! you're making someone else's problems all about you! how selfish!', but I don't heed. Because I can't keep moving with this knot in my stomach. I can't press on without consequences to my mental health (and, probably, my physical health). And, goodness knows, I'm dancing on a knife's edge with regards to my health lately.


There have been a lot of 'perhapses' in this post. I believe that journalling out my thoughts may help, but I think for now I'll try and meditate until I'm a bit calmer.


<3

4 comments:

  1. You are a dear and wonderful person, and your good wishes and hopes that the person Xin helped will be okay and was hopefully benefiting from Xin's skills and kindness is more than enough. Witnessing Xin's act of kindness, and your ability to share, as someone who loves him, your stories of his amazingness, can also benefit, indirectly, more people than you might chance to know. ♥ You've helped as much as you can, using what skills and resources you can tap into, without hurting yourself and causing unnecessary pain to anyone, including you (and you are important too!). That's more than enough. :)

    You are brave and compassionate and good at helping others in your own quiet, gently amazing way. And you've helped me and Adam, too, and on many an occasion. And believe it or not, I admired and emulated some of the gentle strength I see in you, to become a better, gentler, quietly stronger and more helpful person myself, every day. ♥

    Thank you for everything you've done for me, directly and indirectly. My gratitude and wish for more of the world to know and appreciate the loveliness of your Beth-ness and your journey is a vast ocean of mindfulness and meaning. :) Thank you for helping me get here, to who I am today! ♥

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    1. There is so much beauty and wonderful-ness in that comment that I find myself a little lost for words.

      Here's two - thank you <3

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  2. Baby, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to read this blog post. I knew the events of the day had been confronting, but I didn't realise it bothered you quite so much.

    I want you to know that you did nothing wrong- in fact, you did much right. When I suggested you get going, you chose to stay by me instead. Rather than waiting in the car, you were right behind me, supporting me, loving me, being nearby. Your energy, your values, your skills are different from mine. I barely had to think about it- I saw someone in need, I realised I could be of more help than most bystanders, I helped. There wasn't much courage about it- I just acted because I wasn't bothered at all by what had happened. What you did was far braver- you brought yourself to the edge of an uncomfortable situation and you stayed there, trying to understand what was upsetting you but never fleeing from it. And I'm so proud of you for that.

    Sorry I can't read more blog posts- it's much later than I thought it would be, and that circus thing is in the morning. But I'll catch up on the others soon <3

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