hello dearest blog,
in a little while I'll post some photos from today using my phone, but for now I just need to meander along my thought pathway to calm myself.
Xin ended up helping out with the aftermath of a car crash today, while I watched on from the sidewalk. A man was hit by a car and knocked off his pushbike - thankfully he was wearing a helmet so his head injuries weren't as serious as they could have been. He had quite a few bumps and scraps, but the most obvious injury was a severely broken ankle. His foot was going in a direction it most definitely shouldn't have been going. I could see the bone under the skin protruding at an angle that can only be described as unnatural. Xin was assisting by elevating said ankle, while another kind man held the bike rider to stop him from moving his spine.
I didn't witness the car crash, but I heard it. I didn't help with the aftermath, but I watched.
My thoughts are scattered right now - I'm finding it hard to reel them back in. I am capable of witnessing that I'm stressed about work tomorrow, and about the two essays I need to finish before 5pm on Friday, but these seem like minor inconveniences compared to the knot of anxiety forming in my stomach. I'm not entirely sure why I'm reacting this way - I wasn't particularly bothered by the sight of the injuries, and I am so proud of Xin for helping out and doing what I am unable to do because of my nervous/sensitive tendencies.
Perhaps that's the root of the problem - I wonder if I could have done what Xin did. Perhaps I don't have the strength of character or the bravery to walk up to someone and offer assistance. I somewhat arrogantly believe that I am good at helping people - at talking to them and listening to them compassionately. But perhaps this is an illusion created by my own ego so that I'm more comfortable with my existence.
I have this little voice at the back of my mind saying to me 'stop it! you're making someone else's problems all about you! how selfish!', but I don't heed. Because I can't keep moving with this knot in my stomach. I can't press on without consequences to my mental health (and, probably, my physical health). And, goodness knows, I'm dancing on a knife's edge with regards to my health lately.
There have been a lot of 'perhapses' in this post. I believe that journalling out my thoughts may help, but I think for now I'll try and meditate until I'm a bit calmer.