Sunday, November 20, 2011

vanilla twilight

I am feeling quite calm and relaxed right now ^_^ There are multiple reasons for this - I won't discuss them all in deep detail, however. That is something saved for my inner thoughts.
Spending time with certain friends is so liberating and lovely. Some friends make me feel like I need to hide certain parts of myself, or feel that I will be judged. Other friends don't make me feel this way at all. They not only allow me to be myself, they encourage me to be myself. And they love it when I am. I get the greatest amount of joy from being around these people, making them laugh and smile, and (hopefully) making them feel like they want to be themselves around me too. I am so very thankful to have friends like this in my life <3

Other things going through my mind currently are related to 'new age' activities and beliefs. I've recently been much more inclined to embrace my spiritual side, and to express myself more openly about what I enjoy doing and believing in. I don't want to do this in a forceful way - not at all - it is more about being true to myself. I love oracle decks, horoscopes/star signs, incense, aromatherapy, meditation, yoga, faeries, spirits, - many things! Small parts of me are still coming to terms with expressing my appreciation for these things - I recall feeling afraid all the time a few years ago that I would be 'found out' and ridiculed. My friends of the time weren't extremely accepting of liking things that were 'different' to what they liked. It's the same with music - I'm rediscovering my love for Evanescence - something I was ridiculed for. I have their new album on my iphone, and I listen to it quite often currently. I'm also asking for one of their older ones for a Christmas present from my parents. Amy Lee astounds me with her talent, as always. Some of the songs on the new album are just wonderful and make me feel amazing.

Finally, things crossing my mind require a little more thinking, planning, and some waiting. One thing relates to spending some money on something that I feel will bring me a huge amount of joy and beautiful release and expression - however, this requires a bit of waiting and checking that it is something I ultimately want. I believe it will be, but I need to check.
Another thing relates to figuring out if I am ready to move forward in a certain area of my life. This will require a lot of gentle discussion with my body and mind (and spirit), and some gentle planning and trying to remain somewhat emotionally disconnected so that my 'wants' don't override my 'needs' and become something that I don't want at all anymore. If that makes any sense! I suppose it would only make sense to me XD But it still requires gentleness and discussion. I really do wish and hope that my body is ready to move through this, but I may have to be content with the idea that it isn't quite yet.

In terms of health, I'm actually doing quite well. I've had a couple of migraines in the last couple of weeks - something which has been a bit ick. But I've definitely gotten better in other aspects of my health. I'm not nearly as tired as I used to be, I actually have energy to go out a lot... I've been out seeing people, shopping, running errands... more than ever! Well maybe not EVER, but in a terribly long time. It's exciting, but part of me is still a little worried that it's going to go away. I don't want to do anything too quickly and force myself back into the place where I could barely go out once a week. No thanks!
interestingly, what comes with health is a feeling that people will begin to expect so much more from me than I am willing to give. I noticed this once people started noticing that I was feeling a bit more energetic. But, I've reasoned with myself - rest is still SO important to me. If I need rest, I will take it. And if I feel people are expecting things from me that I'm not  willing to give - so be it. I will let them know in a gentle way, and then I will move on.

Okay.. so I think that's everything I needed to ramble about. Love to all <3

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