In my last post - a Very Personal Ad post - I spoke about grace and how I'd be needing some to be able to deal with a decision that was coming.
Well, the decision was made, and it was not what I wanted. To begin with, I understood the reasoning behind the decision, and I told myself I would accept it and move on. That proved to be much more difficult than I thought.
What ensued was a week of anger at the person who had made the decision, interspersed with the desire to make them change their mind. How could they have not chosen what I wanted them too?! - is pretty much the thoughts that were going through my head.
I became overly frustrated, and not at all like the calm and collected person that I believe myself to be the majority of the time. It was hard. It it hurt. It still does. I don't think the person who made the decision actually knows just how much it hurts.
As someone who relies on their emotions the majority of the time (logic is welcome too, of course, but I do like going with my gut instinct a lot of the time), it was very difficult for me not to let 'angry Beth' out into the world and just let loose. I had a couple of friends who helped me through this period of time - and I send my deepest and most heartfelt thanks to them for being there for me. I didn't realise just how much the situation was hurting me until today.
I have made the decision to try and remove myself from the situation - to do what I set out to do in the first place and accept the decision with grace. I will not try to deceive myself into thinking that this is going to be easy - it won't be. It may be more painful, or about the same as continuing on the way I have been. But I hope that I can one day reach a point when I no longer have to be upset about how this occurred.