Sunday, August 14, 2011

gripe.

Understandably, with any chronic condition, there are times when everything can feel lost and useless. You can feel like a worthless lump of meat that brings frustration, worry, and pain to everyone around you. (This especially can occur when you are also lovingly bestowed with cognitive and emotional issues such as depression, anxiety, or general paranoia and distrust.)


This, currently for me, is one of those times. Now, I'm aware that my grammar and sentence structure (and perhaps even my spelling) is completely off at this moment in time, but please understand that I am labouring under multiple issues such as what is termed 'brain fog' - where keeping thoughts in your head or creating sentences that make sense becomes exceedingly difficult - ps. this is WONDERFUL when someone asks you to explain your condition. It's super helpful. I'm also dealing with issues like : pain. all over my body; low mood; low immunity; sore throat; pounding head; sore eyes that do not like focusing in the slightest; worry and such over relationships; stress about assignments and related stuffs; oh. and of course. I'm super exhausted.


I have recently realised that I have been thinking of my conditions largely in terms of how they affect me (to be fair, I cop a large percentage of their effects). But I have also been thinking of how much worry and stress I put the people around me through. I mean, sometimes all I really want is for someone to actually listen to me talk about how I'm feeling and not instantly start wondering how they can help me or 'fix' me - but this is how we are largely programmed to respond. There is a problem - how to fix? Some people will refer to diet, exercise, or perhaps a specific doctor that has been great for them.
But sometimes all I want is for them to listen, and to try to understand just how much I'm having to deal with. This helps me to feel justified in my conditions (most of them do not seem obvious to most... which makes it even harder for my brain to realise that I need more rest than others).


I actually don't know what I was rambling about just then. I would probably have to read it over to check. Oh dear.
Basically, right now, I feel despondent and defeated. I want to talk to someone about everything I've had to deal with, but I don't want to add to their problems. Plus it really is the. same. old. thing. with me sometimes and I'm aware of that. I have noticed that I kind of oscillate between about five different topics, those being: health, study, future, family, and feelings/relationships. Each of the other four link into health most of the time. I used to have these wondrously philosophical and deep conversations with people, and help them through problems, but I've never really been on the receiving end that often where I haven't instantly felt like the person was either trying to 'fix' me or make me feel like an absolute idiot. And this comes, mostly, from the brain fog. Now that I can't explain myself properly - or get distracted from what I was originally saying - I don't give people the full story of what I already know, and what I've already thought of. So I often get people telling me things that I ALREADY KNOW and I end up getting frustrated. Kind of stupid really.


Xin and I went through a checklist of symptoms for fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome tonight. This is a huuuge checklist of about 50 to 60 different items. I had at least 40 to 50 out of the total. It was completely  crazy. Some stuff that I hadn't even thought about linking in to these conditions I have been dealing with for years.


So yes. Basically, right now, I feel teary and alone. And I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise for such a randomly written and poorly structured blog post. I'm fairly sure it will read like the mind of either a two-year-old, or of Willy Wonka (as played by Johnny Depp).


Love~

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