Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Unusual. Plus BURNOUT SCARY.

Well. I have not been dealing with things too well lately. In fact I've been dealing with them relatively badly. After I finished my sexology paper on Sunday, I really just wanted to rest. However I had to head in to Uni on Monday, so I started to prepare for that. Unfortunately, our group hadn't realised that we had to hand something in on Monday. Yeh. O.o


Enter the ick. The ick tackled me to the ground, leaving me winded and confused. And perhaps a little concussed. 


I went to Uni the next day, and met up with my group. They had pulled together something amazing, but were still stressing. I felt awful that I'd had to rest the night before. Icky icky icky. Then we had class, and I was feeling terribly sick. I stayed for the whole class because I just felt so awful about being absent for my group. They went on to work on it, and I had to go hand in my assignment and then go home. I ended up with a mega migraine that day.(Xin came over and made me feel quite a bit better about things, though. <3)


Tuesday comes, and I have the day mostly to myself. The ick seems to be hovering in the shadows, but I ignore it. I am a grump in the morning, not really sure why, but just am. Xin is kind and loving and looks after me - and ends up feeling sick himself. At some point I get myself up and start cleaning my room. I'm sick of the dust - it sets off my asthma most mornings. I wash and I vacuum and I dust. I air the room, I change the sheets, I wash the pillowcases. And I watch the dog. XD


The evening comes, and I'm still feeling sick, but confident that I'm okay with study and such. One of the people I talk to makes me feel less than okay. They make me feel like I'm just being lazy and not giving my group the support they need. Is that true? I wonder. The ick enters stage left and runs me through with a sword. Main character falls to the floor. End scene.


I cheer myself up by staying near to Xin and being kind to myself. I sleep.


Wednesday. Today. Wake up and feel stressed. Certain someone doesn't help - just makes me feel like I SHOULD BE FEELING BETTER RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW?! Today is another group meeting. I haven't done anything yet. But that's okay, it's not til 1:30. Check emails before (planned) going back to bed. Oh wait. No. We're meeting at 10. It's almost 9 now. Great. Msg group member. She tells me not to stress about it. Heh.


Realise there's something else I meant to do today - make an appointment with a disability counselor on campus to get disability recognition. Do so. Tomorrow at 10. Think. The thing is, I don't think I want to be labelled as disabled. I don't look it at all, and it feels like a cop-out. I know I need the extra assistance when it comes to getting extensions on assignments, but it's extremely depressing and upsetting. Have small breakdown. Call Xin who helps. Msg group member - I'm not coming in. I can't do it. - She say to take care. In my paranoid, upset state, it sounds like a threat from the universe at large.


Ick returns to the scene of the crime, finds the main character attempting to heal. A gun is taken out. Stage goes dark. Bang.














Now I'm just trying to cope. The ick can try things, but I won't stop trying to get back up; to heal myself.

2 comments:

  1. I was in a group with you once or more, and you totally gave the support needed. It's annoying when people can't make group meetings but it's usually unavoidable and if you're still pulling your weight it doesn't matter. If your inability to attend group meetings was because you had kids or had to work it wouldn't be an issue. Just because your thing is something that can't be explicitly seen, people think you can do more than you actually can. It's not your fault you're ill, and you do the best you can with the resources you have.

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  2. Thanks Em, it means a lot to read that. The group I'm in now is Den and Jess and me, so I know that it's no part of them wanting more from me than I can offer, it's more about my own ick and how it doesn't let me move through it the way other people seem to be able to.

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