Friday, February 11, 2011

Your social style... it is... awkward.

Whenever I go out to spend time with a large group of friends, I suddenly feel very awkward and trapped. I also immediately find myself getting distracted or easily flustered.

I believe this is not just because I used to have a social phobia (more on that later), but because I am highly sensitive to lots of noise and light and blah. There were so many people at this event tonight - the  majority being people I loved or at least liked - and I just felt trapped and claustrophobic. Not all the time, you see. I was distracted from it through friendly conversation and delicious food and also by my lovely outfit (so many beautiful colours <3), but I often found myself going back to that "I feel so awkward" emotion.
This may also have been contributed to by my aforementioned social phobia. I believe I'm going a lot better with it now, but I still feel very nervous and awkward when people have to stand very close to me or hug me or touch me in any way. This feeling has been around since I was in high school (possibly earlier) and I think it makes some people believe me to be either shy or standoffish. [this is the last thing I want.]

The truth is that I still over-analyse a lot of what happens to me. I worry about seeming silly, or getting that look of "what the hell?". I know that I shouldn't care so much, but it isn't actually that simple! (Were it so I'd be quite past this phobia.)

Anyway, since I'm so tired right now, this entry will be more of a 'talking-things-out-so-I-understand-where-I-am' kind of post, rather than a 'solving-things' post.
I still had a wonderful time, regardless, and caught up with many lovely people and ate delicious food! So I'm not sad or frustrated with my social manner, just 'hmm'-ing. ^_^
Hope your Friday night was good too! ^_^

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