Spoonie Musings: An Unusual Moment

I am sitting at my desk, reading blog posts (by other people, for once), and I just realised something - at this moment in time, I am experiencing no pain. I am almost always in some level of pain: usually from my stomach, sometimes my back or neck, sometimes my head or my eyes. Right now, I feel quite tired, and a little strained in my eyes from looking at a screen without my glasses (I really should go get them...), but I am experiencing no pain.

This is a really bizarre moment for me to realise, and I am not sure what to make of it. I feel like it is just a case of 'this too shall pass' - pain passes on or changes, no pain can change to much pain later on. Practising non-attachment seems to be a good way to go. But it is still nice to notice, and to be grateful for this moment.

Being sick for sixteen years (yes, it has been that long) has shown me quite a lot of things. And I still feel like I am confused as ever. But moments like this, where I can just sit back and recognise how far I have come - to be able to recognise that I'm not in pain, to be able to be grateful for that instead of raging against the world for not making it like this all the time, to recognise that it will most likely pass on - this is a really lovely thing.

Sometimes life feels like a selection of windows, connected together by a great long hallway. Snapshots of things that happen in my life that are drastic or huge. But I am finding space now to recognise the times in between those windows (when I am just in hallway, if you will keep following me down this rather odd analogy) and to appreciate them. Yes, I have been very sick in the last couple of months, but I've still been doing things. I've still been educating myself about diet and fertility, I've still been thinking about what my dreams are and, if not actively being capable of moving towards them, managing to keep them in my mind instead of dismissing them out of hand.

The in between moments can be really gorgeous, if you can stop and take a moment to see them. Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.

Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment 2017, health, musings, spoonie diaries

Spoonie Musings || Cysts and Fear

Hi all,

I am feeling quite thoughtful today. It's a welcome change from the weeks and weeks of brain fog so thick that I forget what I am talking about mid-way through a sentence (my husband, thankfully, is very understanding when this happens).

I am trying to see my life from the outside for a bit, and I have to say it is a bit rough. I have let fear swallow me for a little while. I have just started to pull myself out of the fear quicksand in the last week or so, and look around me a little bit. I'm so glad I am able to do that.

What is happening now, in my head, is a kind of weird mesh of old fear-driven thoughts and a great wash of gratitude for the life I have. It makes for some pretty weird moments - a sweep of fear over possibly dying or having to deal with cysts rupturing on my ovaries for the rest of my life, then a great heart-sigh of gratitude for my husband and everything he does for me. I am a bundle of emotions at any given point of the day.

A couple of nights ago, I made the mistake of looking up ovarian cyst ruptures on the internet, mostly to see what treatments exist. What I found was an outpouring of fear and grief from other women who had experienced them - some who get them even worse than I do. One who waited for hours before going to the hospital, despite the pain not going away, to discover that she had been bleeding internally and had to receive a blood transfusion.

I have been receiving a lot of odd and sometimes conflicting information about cyst ruptures from doctors and nurses - one doctor assured me that I would never get internal bleeding from my cysts rupturing (although they did also mis-diagnose me at the time); another completely unable to give me advice on what I could do, but assisted me with stronger painkillers and a referral for an ultrasound.

The fact is, I am living in a place of fear almost all the time. But I have realised that I just can't let it overtake me. I do my best to acknowledge it when I feel it rising, and am practising meditation breathing as often as possible to get through pain. I am sad that this is happening to me, but I am also grateful for everything in my life - particularly the people (and animals) that support me as much as they can, and offer me solace when I can no longer carry my fear alone.

I wish that everyone with chronic illness, chronic pain, or ongoing conditions, could have (and recognise) their own support networks.

Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment 2017, health, musings, spoonie diaries

Goals // October

September Goal Summary:

• Stick to the budget - In terms of my allocated spending money, I totally rocked this. Much of my spending money ended up being spent on sending a few overdue packages to friends, and I ended up sitting on $2 of spending money for a couple of weeks. But I did it! It's a new month, so I have new spending money, but I am trying to be really conscious of my spending and I think I'm doing well.
• Celebrate the Spring Equinox - Yup. Did it in a very small way, but did it nonetheless.
• Resume my two main studies that have fallen...off...somewhere. Also did this! I did all the reviews for my Japanese, and kept it up for a little while, but my illnesses kind of stopped me from continuing. My other study I have picked up in the last couple of weeks and am really loving.
• Spend more time outside! Also done! Wow, actually feeling kind of please with myself... Anyway, I spent a little time outside each day that I was able (most days) - did little bits of weeding, watered plants, watched the bees on our bottlebrush... Xin even took me to King's Park so I could see the wildflowers.
• NOTE: I have still been meditating every day - a goal I carried over from August. And I am really loving that.

October Goals

• Get the thing done. For those that follow my instagram and such, you may know that I have been dealing with rupturing cysts on my ovaries lately. Without getting into too much detail (I may do a post later on about them, as I like to be open and honest about things in case it helps someone else), I nearly pass out from pain when it happens, and it frightens those that care about me, too. They have been getting worse and more frequent lately, so I need to do some more investigating. "The Thing" that needs to get done is an ultrasound. There have been a couple of barriers to getting it done, but hoping for next week.
• Do some editing! - Yup, that old chestnut. Back to it.
• Read at least three books off your TBR shelf. This is something that I have been rocking lately, and I just seem to be in the mood for it, so want to keep the momentum going.
• Celebrate Beltane! :D
• Learn more about fertility treatments and drink your green juice. See goal #1 above for more info about this - I am trying to take some initiative for myself and my health.

Any goals you guys have? Feel free to share them below! Here's to a new month~

Leave a Comment 2017, goals, musings

Goals // September

August Goal Summary:

• Meditate every day in August - my goodness, I totally rocked this. Not only did I meditate every day, for over half the month I actually meditated twice a day. Some stuff happened and my mood took a plummet, and I decided I needed to up the ante with some more self-love and care, so I meditated in the morning when I woke up, and then in the evening before I slept, for ten minutes or so each time (using guided meditations mostly from an app). I am so pleased with myself, and I am going to try and keep this going. Yay!
• Try to do the exercise thing every day - this wasn't as consistent as my meditations, but it still happened more than expected, so I am counting this as a win. Even yoga in front of the TV counts for me.
• Put up a Booktube video every week in August - okay, I did three Booktube videos in the month of August. And then when that final week rolled around, I found I just didn't want to anymore. I am still exploring this, but Booktube may be a thing I want to watch but not necessarily do.

September Goals

• Stick to the budget - Not many people know this, but Xin and I actually do a budget every single month that we try and stick to. And I have been going a tiny bit off the rails with this. I am not going to punish myself, or berate myself, for not sticking to the budget, but I am going to renew my efforts for September and keep the budget in mind. Money stuff, am I right?
• Celebrate the Spring Equinox - I am not sure how I am going to do this, but I am going to do it. Even in a small way.
• Resume my two main studies that have fallen...off...somewhere. Japanese being one of these. I kind of just drifted away from things and it was only recently that I realised these are actually things that are very important to me, so I want to return to them. Though I shudder to think of the amount of reviews I have waiting for me in my Japanese studies... *shudders*
• Spend more time outside! Hopefully we will be getting some more gentle sunshine in the coming month, so I'd like to try and spend time outside, whether I'm gardening or not.

I am feeling hopeful and excited about the month ahead, but also keeping an eye on my energy levels. Hopefully things will go well :D

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Goals // August

July Goal Summary:

• Get back to my own editing - HAHAHAHA. Okay. Well. I managed the tiniest bit, but mostly this is a nope for the last couple of weeks. I have been busy with other things, and honestly I think I needed a break from my own work. I may add this to my goals for this month, too, but ultimately I do intend on getting back to this. It's all sitting there ready to go, and I have gotten through about six chapters of editing, so that isn't too shabby.
• Start looking for places to enter my work for publication - I did so much research for this, guys. I now have a notebook dedicated to places looking for short stories for collections, or competitions for poetry or prose entries, and I have started writing and brainstorming for a couple of things. I didn't contact three places about publication, but I did contact two. One was just a little email about writing short stories for a website, and the other was sending a collection of poetry off to a small publishing press for consideration. SCARY.
• Get back to Tabata - this kind of happened but not really. The fact is that I am going through a rough patch at the moment with my health, and doing tabata all the time would probably just exacerbate my symptoms. So this one is just a bit of a weird neutral not-win/not-lose thing.
• Quit sugar! - I am calling this one a win! I was almost sugar free for the entire month, aside from within the last week of July where Xin and I got this awful virus and had ridiculous sore throats and... we had many icecream. It had to happen. Anyway, I am back on the wagon now, and am going well. YES.
• More time outside  - also done. I did a few times of being out in the garden, either just admiring plants, or doing some weeding. I went for walks with Xin, and I spent time in my parent's garden, too. I still think I could spend even more time in nature, but this is a good move.

August Goals

• Meditate every day in August - I started the year off meditating every day during January and February, and then slowly started to tail off during March and April. By May and June I was pretty much not meditating at all, bar the occasional night when I remembered. Towards the end of July I picked it back up again and am so far doing quite well, but I would really like to get back into a daily practise properly.
• Try to do the exercise thing every day - I don't really mind what this looks like, whether it's going for a (short) run or a long walk with Xin, or if it's just a short yoga routine at home in front of the television because I haven't been able to move much all day, I'd just like to get my body moving a little more.
• Put up a Booktube video every week in August - This is mostly just to see if I can come up with ideas and keep sitting down in front of that camera. Didn't know I'm back on Booktube? Find my channel here - and hopefully you will see videos every week from me! :D

And that's me for this month! I realised last month's stuff was kind of forceful and pretty darn ambitious, so I am easing off a little here, leaving things a bit more open-ended. Particularly when it comes to exercise. Do you have any goals for this month? Or any recommendations for Booktube videos? Let me know!

Love to all who read.

P.S. Apologies for the lack of photos this week! I will try and spruce up my goals posts in the future - I've just got a new laptop and am still getting used to it, so I ought to be back on track soon. ^_^

Leave a Comment 2017, goals, musings

Goals // July

I have been posting so randomly lately, with a post here, then a break of ten days, then three posts, then a break of a week. Sorry about that! And, right in the middle of that, I am going to try something new out! (*cue confused but celebratory parade with band* - I imagine this sounds something like Genie from Aladdin singing 'hail the conquering hero' and then winding down suddenly...)

I have been rediscovering my love for another blog, The Dainty Squid, written by the lovely Kaylah. She has been writing her goals blogs for a little while now, and I am feeling inspired by her, so I wanted to give it a go. Things could go terribly wrong! Or terribly right? Who knows!

July Goals

• Get back to my own editing - I finished the first draft of a novel a few weeks back, and I started editing it, but kind of stalled about a week ago. I really want to get back to it, and whip that novel into a shape that is pleasing to my eye.
• Start looking for places to enter my work for publication - oh this is so nerve-wracking. I hardly do this. At ALL. I have written multiple short stories, multiple poems (and nearly self-published my own collection of poetry once), and written two novels, plus a lot of a couple of others which remain unfinished. But do I ever send them off anywhere, or attempt to get the published? Nope. I dream about being published, but it just isn't happening because I'm not doing anything. This really needs to stop. So, this month, I want to contact 3 locations about publishing my work.
• Get back to Tabata - part of my recovery is to get some vigorous exercise, like Tabata, four times a week. I have been pretty much failing this lately because of countless migraines, stomach pains, and one random ovarian cyst rupture that took five days to heal even slightly. I am feeling a bit beaten up at the moment (by my own body), but this is part of my health-improving-plan, so back to it I go!
• Quit sugar! - Yes yes the white poison. I am actually not too bad with this, but I do have the habit of gorging on chocolate when I get my period, or eating way more fruit than I probably need to. Now, I am not quitting sugar forever, and I have been doing a lot of research about this, but I want to try and quit as much sugar as possible for at least a little while and see how I go. This is also kind of important for my recovery, too, so here goes nothing!
• More time outside - a main part of Winter for me is kind of not leaving the house much at all, which is actually lovely sometimes, and really stifling at other times. I want to try and get outside and hang out with some trees a little more when the weather is permitting, and just breathe a bit more fresh air. Going to aim to do this twice a week at least - proper outings where I am not just standing on my back verandah.

Writing those down as making me feel way more driven and happy at the moment, and I am going to try and keep that going by heading off to get some more stuff done, maybe even some editing! I will review how I went at the beginning of next month, and see if this has been a successful experiment! ^_^

Does anyone else have some goals for the month? Do you find reading about other people's goals inspiring?

Love to all who read!

Leave a Comment 2017, goals, life