Another Update of Sorts

 Hello friends. How are you? It feels strange to be here again. My most recent update (on myself) happened back in January and I talked about how I wasn't really sure where I was going with this blog. I have little to say about that, honestly. I'm still posting the occasional book review, though many of them are quite late and the books I mention are relatively old. I'm still reading new releases, but I am often buying them with my own money and reading them for pleasure (shock!) and not doing much other than marking them as read and maybe giving them a star rating on Goodreads.

Things have been a little intense for me lately. (By 'lately' I do mean in the last few months.) There's been some health scares in the family, of all different kinds, and mental health issues have been pretty rough, too. My mental health has been all over the place. At the moment, I am fairly calm, (aside from needing to shoo the cat away just now because she insists on yelling at me), enjoying the visual of typing on my keyboard with a little ray of sun spilling across it. But I have had times of incredibly intense distress and fear, my anxiety has risen to the point that certain noises/sounds have become anathema to me, and I have started and ended my days trying to use food/tv/games/shopping as a way to numb myself from the intensity of the emotions that exist within me.

For those of you with mental health differences, this may all sound very familiar.

I've been doing my best to just ride out the wave, but, while it feels like this wave rises and falls, it also just keeps going and going and going, and I wonder how to get off the ride. Ultimately, I think I'm just going through some changes at the moment (this moment apparently has been going on for about two years now?) and I just need to 'hold the course' and continue trying to foster kindness for myself (and for others, I guess). Will I share more of my experiences on this blog? I'm not sure - perhaps. I don't know if it would be helpful at all for others to hear about this kind of thing, to be honest. Something else to sit with.

In other news, I have very tentatively gotten back into listening to Kpop. I have been following BTS for years, of course, but lately I felt strong enough to go back to SHINee and see what they were up to. With Taemin heading into the army for his service soon (May 31st), I have been really enjoying listening to his new mini-album, Advice, on YouTube Music. I am even thinking about purchasing a copy! I know, you may now collect your jaws from the floor on the way out. 

You know, even talking about Kpop is quite nice. Maybe I'll come back here to visit again soon. Hope you're all doing well, all my lovely lurkers.

Love to all who read.

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Smallish Chat

Hello friends :)

It's been a while, huh? Here, let me get you a cup of something nice, and please, have this seat over here. It is covered in cushions, I know - please just remove whatever you want. Mind the cat, though.

The last time I posted was back in November last year. Now we're heading towards February and my thoughts have been drifting towards things like communication, and how different bodies function, and such. It's been strange for me to go from someone who posted pretty regularly to someone who barely remembers that I used to write at all. It used to be that every time I had a relatively good day with a little bit of energy and wherewithal, I would be sitting down at my computer/laptop/with a bit of paper and pen and jotting something out that had been floating around in my head. Lately, though, it's been more a case of occasionally looking inside my mind and finding virtually nothing, except maybe a few dust-bunnies having an argument about whether I should eat chocolate or cheese next.

Honestly, to me, this sounds an awful lot like burnout. Or depression. Or perhaps both. My mood has swung a bit, and I have days of deep sadness or numbness, but mostly I think I've just not been well enough to even consider writing or being very creative with words. My brain just can't handle it too well. And adding Summer into the mix has just meant that I have had trouble remembering the days too well, or a conversation that I had with my loved ones recently.

So, am I abandoning my blog and my writing completely? No. The short answer to that is definitely no. The slightly longer answer is no, but.... I may not be doing anything with it for a while? Or my writing may be extremely sporadic? For someone that desperately wanted to be published before, I can still notice that dream in me, just waiting at the back of my mind. But, at the moment, I find that I need to focus on just being me. 

And I think that's enough for now.

Love to all who read.

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Why I'm Not Currently Seeking Medical Help for My Chronic Illnesses

NOTE: I just want to say before I begin this post that when I write about chronic illness and my experiences, it's because I hope that other people may gain some benefit and/or feel less alone by reading about my experiences. Or that people who want to understand their chronically ill loved ones a little better can learn something or come to understand their loved ones a little more. This post was written with the spirit of imparting knowledge and sharing experiences, so please keep that in mind. I am not looking for advice of any kind by writing this. Thanks! :D



This post has been lurking around in my head for some time. I've thought about making a video talking about my illnesses/the thing that I experience day-to-day, and I may still do that, but this felt kind of like a natural follow-up to that so I just... stalled on it for a long time. But one of the things I experience with my illnesses is a sore throat pretty often - to the point that if I talk a lot (particularly when I've also consumed a little processed sugar - look, my body is bizarre, okay?), I will actually lose my voice. Herbal tea sometimes brings it back, but, not often. So I figured this may be better shared in text form, rather than spoken.\

Before I get too much into it, I just want to mention that I may be talking about operations, medical procedures, and experiences of illness - both mental and physical. So, trigger warnings for all of that - if any of it makes you feel uncomfortable, please look after yourself. Do not read if you feel like you can't, and please look after your mental health if something you read triggers you - talk to someone you trust, go have a break from the screen, do whatever you need to do. Much love.

I've described a few of my symptoms and things I've been diagnosed with before, but a basic list includes the following: Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Ovarian Cysts, Interstitial Cystitis, possible Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), and I also have Scoliosis. (Are you surprised that I had to pause multiple times to remember other things? Filling out forms, as you can imagine, can be a really intensive process.) To be honest, as I write the beginning of this post, I am just trying to recover from a really bad stomach ache (the words 'stomach ache' actually feel frustratingly inadequate for what I experience. Those who know me may know that I use the words 'stomach thing' (I started calling them that when they began when I was 11 years old) and, lately, I occasionally call them 'stomach migraines', but we still haven't come across a good term that fits what I go through), so this post may require some serious editing, as my brain fog is making me quite distracted.

Right, onto why I am not talking to doctors about my illnesses. I think almost everyone who has been diagnosed with a chronic illness has multiple tales of many, many tests, doctors, and general experiences of the medical world. And... I am no different. I first got sick when I was 11 years old - it started with my stomach - and I remember seeing a gastro-enterologist back then, along with multiple visits to my GP at the time. With my Mum (bless her, neither of us had any idea what was going on, but we were trying to understand). Ultimately it was concluded back then that I 'just had a slow bowel' and that 'it was just stress' (this confused us - I was 11/12 at the time... and not overly stressed in general. Although since then I have realised it's possible I was stressed, but whatever.). Because of all that, it was basically decided that I just had to deal with it. So, no treatment, really, at that point in time. 

My illnesses just got worse when I got into high school, but, again, we just had no idea what was going on. I was generally having a stomach thing every morning before school, and pretty often I would manage to pull myself together to go to school anyway. But my school Nurse was calling my Mum pretty often to come pick me up - not just because of my stomach, but because of migraines, some nausea, or just generally feeling so exhausted that I couldn't think straight. Other symptoms and stuff started later in life, particularly when I started at University, and my exhaustion and stomach stuff kind of got worse. A lot of my diagnoses didn't actually happen until my 20s, so I was basically just... living? before that.

During the last ten years, I've had multiple blood tests, seen many specialists, and had 4 exploratory surgeries/procedures. (It's possible I've had more than that, but I can only currently remember 4). I've also had countless ultrasounds, a few scans of my spine, and one MRI of my brain. I used to regularly see a few different GPs at a particular medical group near where I lived when I was a kid, and I still prefer going to see them when I need to.

But here's the thing - I haven't really seen any doctors or specialists, barring my chiropractor once a month, for about two years. I think I've been to my GPs about four times in that period, and also gone to get my flu shots, but otherwise I don't talk to my GPs about my illnesses.

Yes, we finally got to the whole purpose of this blog post: Why, though?

My answer comes in a few parts.

1. I am just kind of sick of tests, doctors, hospitals, and procedures. I'm not sure if I've developed a bit of a phobia of a few of those things (it's possible, as I do get kind of anxious when talking about medical procedures and the smell of hospitals tends to make my heart race unnaturally), but I just feel like I've had enough tests to last me a lifetime.
2. My GPs don't really have anything else they can do for me when it comes to my chronic illnesses. When I get a virus or an infection, or I need some sort of medical advice for a symptom that has gotten out of control, I head in to see one of them and they seem happy to help out when it's straightforward like that. But the fact is, they don't really know what's wrong with me. Many of my diagnoses are umbrella diagnoses - meaning that what I have isn't other things, so they've just slapped a label on it that kind of fits and encompasses multiple things, and just kind of hoped that that's enough. It's nice to have labels sometimes, but it also can be incredibly frustrating when someone doesn't believe you're sick because they don't 'believe' in the diagnosis you've received.
3. Money. It a thing.
4. And this is the big one: I am just trying to look after myself. The thing is that, over the years, I have realised that stress does make me much more ill. I manage my stress as best I can, but getting tests and seeing new doctors is just a baseline level of stress, and then add on possibly difficult treatments and stuff that result, and things just start to get out of hand. Travelling to and from medical centres is difficult. Finding new specialists to talk to is difficult. The list just tends to grow. And I have taken a fairly high level of responsibility for my health - it is kind of my career at this point - and I track my symptoms. I'm looking more at maintenance at this point, rather than active treatment.
5. Just randomly, I'm not sure I have many other specialist-types that I can try. I've seen quite a few. (But definitely not all.)

I still sometimes worry that someone is going to call me out for talking about being chronically ill/disabled but not getting any sort of active treatment (I think this is leftover pain and such from being on Centrelink - they really just don't believe that you're disabled easily). I have to remind myself that I am doing the best I can, and that not seeing doctors and just looking after myself right now is the best choice for me. But it's hard.

Anyway, I'm not sure this is a unique experience amongst the chronically ill. Even though I don't really know many others who have ceased all treatment to the same extent I have, I feel like they're out there. And I am also in a privileged position of not having to visit the hospital often, and being able to mostly manage my symptoms myself, and have people who are willing to support me. I have to acknowledge that I am allowed to avoid seeking medical help because of my privileged position - I am extremely lucky. But this helped me to get my feelings out, and I'm grateful for that. I hope others gained a little something from this.

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Spoonie Musings // Guilt and Relationships

Many of you know that I am married and have been with my partner Xin for almost eleven years now (married for almost three). We got together towards the end of our high school years, which meant that Xin has been there for a lot of my spoonie diagnoses, tests, and operations. He is a wonderful partner, a wonderful person in general, and I love him deeply.

And yet, being chronically ill in a relationship is seriously hard sometimes.

I can't work - at least, not in the typical 9 to 5 way, and not really shift-work either (I can do some editing and writing work online but it depends how I am travelling at that point in time - ie. am I having any random flares at the moment?) - so making money is pretty much all up to Xin. He supports me financially, as well as our cat, Peppermint. Money is rough for any spoonie - shelling out the bucks for medications, treatments, surgeries, health insurance (if you're lucky enough to have it), all of it means you are paying some big moolah. I have a very specific diet that I have to follow if I want to remain even slightly healthy, and sometimes that can add up, too. Financials are stressful for any relationship, and then for spoonie relationships it is a whole new thing.

Going on dates is a somewhat difficult topic, too. Some days I can totally manage it - absolutely no worries, having a pretty good day, minimal pain or discomfort, and I can walk unaided. Score! And my stomach is okay with me having tea that day! Double score!
Then there are days when I need assistance - pain levels may be higher, discomfort present, I can't do certain things like see movies because I have a migraine on the way, or I need to make sure that I won't need to walk up loads of stairs or I have access to a cane to assist me. Toilets need to be present - alwayyyys. Just in case. Better safe than sorry. All those random cliche things.

And then... there are days when we have planned for a date and I wake up that day just feeling rubbish. Too sick to get up, heart working way too hard, standing or walking are pretty much off the table. How do you have a decent date when you can barely manage a conversation?

Guilt can rush in really quickly in times like this. And the 'if onlys'. "If only I could work a little bit, or do this thing, or that other thing, then I could make more money and there would be less stress and strain on my partner to bring home money." "I wonder what ways there are for me to make money from home (does the thing and slowly gets burnt out completely and can't even do the dishes anymore)"
"If I hadn't of >insert item eaten, activity done, thought considered here< then I would be able to go on that date today! Dammit." "I wonder if my partner minds that I can't go on dates often - it must be so hard for them, etc. etc. >making assumptions and vastly blowing everything out of proportion without actually asking partner anything<"

You can see how it can kind of get out of control.

Do I have any recommendations here? Honestly, like many spoonie conditions, I don't think there is a solve-all pill here. There is no instant cure or 'if you just remember this one step everything will be fine!' amazing result. No, this is always going to be hard - it always has been, in my experience. But I have a couple of things that I would like to suggest (and have written down so I can refer to it myself, because yeesh I forget this stuff so often):

1. Communicate communicate communicate. You need to stop making assumptions about how your partner is feeling and actually talk to them. Seriously, I know this is really scary sometimes - what if all your worst fears are true? Well, what if? Your partner will most likely want to work through them, too, and you will grow even closer to them in the process. Bottom line: nothing is going to get any better if you're not on the same page.
2. Compassion is a necessity. Towards your partner, towards yourself. Towards the person who is taking a superrrr long time to get out of the bathroom. I know it sucks, and it hurts, and everything feels really gross and hard, but if you can show people a little compassion - including yourself - sometimes that can make things easier. Remember - your illness or condition is already difficult enough to deal with. Don't compound that and make it doubly hard by punishing yourself in your mind.
3. Take three deep breaths. Even just this little routine can give you a little distance from the issue and stop you from spiralling down into nothingness. Take three deep breaths, think through whether you've been down this guilt-trip before, think about whether it is helping. Repeat until things feel less awful.

I just wanted to write this for anyone else struggling with this sort of guilt - I am getting better at recognising when it comes by, but I'm still not great. It's all a process, I guess!!

Love to all who read.

1 comment mental health, musings, rambling, spoonie diaries, thoughts

Spoonie Musings: Heading to Weddings

Hi all!

For those that follow my instagram, you may know that I was in hospital over the weekend. My husband and I decided that I should try going to Emergency when I had my (may have lost count but I think it was my) sixth ovarian cyst rupture of the year. [Note: they did a blood test, poked around at my belly, and then told me to go get an ultrasound. But everyone was so helpful and it was just really nice to be taken so seriously about it that I didn't mind spending three odd hours there. I had a book.] Ovarian cyst ruptures are truly awful events, and I wouldn't wish them upon anyone. But perhaps more on that in a different post.

Anyway, yesterday, two days after I was in hospital, I headed to my cousin's wedding. And it was so beautiful (my cousin was radiant, her new husband dashing, and they made me laugh and cry a little with their vows and speeches). I am so grateful to have been invited to the event, and to have had enough spoons (please google 'the spoon theory' if you have no idea what I am talking about) to stay for the whole shindig.

But it took its toll. Even just when we left, I was having some bad symptoms. My interstitial cystitis was flaring a bit, my stomach was unhappy, and of course I was still recovering from having massive pain and nearly passing out two days beforehand. When we got there, I was feeling okay, but perhaps not what other people might call 'okay'. Perhaps, what they would call 'not so great' or 'a bit rough'. Luckily, I managed to grab a chair during the ceremony (helped), and was constantly offered chairs after the ceremony when we were waiting for the dinner (also helped). My husband was super solicitous of me, and even let me lean on him when I was too tired to hold myself up. People tried to lean in closer to me when they spoke so I didn't have to strain to hear them, or strain my voice to speak back. Drinks were bought for me so I wouldn't feel too faint.

And yet, in an ideal world where I am not unwell, this is not how I would really want to spend my time at my cousin's wedding. I would want to be standing and able to move around and chat to people. I would want to feel okay about going for a walk in the beautiful setting of the wedding. I would want to enjoy my lemon, lime, and bitters without having symptoms afterwards of tachycardia and dizziness. I say all of this without any bitterness (aside from my drink?) in my heart about this now being my lot in life (at the moment, anyway), but just with curiosity and more as an observation than a complaint.

Ultimately, weddings are kind of hard for a spoonie.

By the time Xin and I got back him, it was around 10:30pm or so, and we had been gone for eight hours. Even now, the day after that has been filled with stomach pain, exhaustion, and anxiety fallout, I am unsure how I managed it. I think even Xin is a little unsure how I managed it. When Xin and I got married last year, I was pretty sick during our honeymoon. My stomach was hating on me pretty bad, and I was more exhausted than usual for basically the entire three weeks we were away. It was just too much. A few of the spoonie friends I invited pretty much immediately declined - knowing their own limits straight away and realising that going to a wedding would just be too hard. This is where spoonie lifestyle and family obligation kind of meet, and it isn't always pretty.

I am not entirely sure what I wanted to say in this blog post, aside from recording my experience of what has happened recently. I have been on painkillers and such all day today, just so I could avoid being curled up in the foetal position all day, just trying to rest. I don't know if this is what will always happen at weddings, but I am glad and so grateful I got to go to this one.

Love to all who read. 

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Slow Living and Chronic Illness // Musings #1

Hello, dearest readers.
Things have been a little confusing over the past couple of days for me - I had a surge over the weekend of *getting all the things done* and really enjoying time spent reorganising, cleaning, and doing energetic things (energetic by my standards - ie. gardening, walking far distances... doing some semblance of what might be called exercise). And then today I woke up feeling completely exhausted, grumpy, and kind of numb.

I returned to making YouTube/BookTube videos about a month ago (my channel is here), and was putting up videos once a week, either on a Friday or Saturday. And then, last week, I just found I didn't want to. I have been wondering if it was something to do with my anxiety (possible) or perhaps a realisation that I prefer the written word (probable). I am still exploring what I want right now, and so my channel is kind of in stasis, but I am responding to comments if you care to leave any.

I recently read a book about Slow Living which I absolutely adored, and it had a few little exercises in it that helped you to figure out what your priorities are in life. I narrowed mine down to a list of five main priorities (keep in mind these are kind of general), and it was such a wonderful experience for me to do that. All of my efforts over the weekend were in line with my priorities, and I wondered what was going to happen when my CFS inevitably stepped in (because I was kind of over-doing it). And, today, I kind of found out.

I am still interested and feel comforted and excited about my top priorities list. It feels right to me, and I am making changes each day to become even more in line with them. And yet, on days like today, I have to take things muuuuch slower. (Slow living, even slower.) Everything is a learning process, and it has me thinking that maybe another item or two needs to be added to my priorities list - particularly along the line of taking care of myself/my health/health in general. It's a constant wobbly balance that we are trying to find, and sometimes you have to lean really hard to one side, and that's okay. Right now I am leaning into doing what I need to to feel better and more comfortable, even with my pain levels being a constant companion.

This was a bit of a rambly post, but I honestly just had some thoughts floating around in my head that I wanted to share. I think I will try and do this a little more often.

Love to all who read.

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This is going to be one of those blog posts where I just sit down and write it out, before my inner critic gets her hands on it (she can be scary).

Oh man, you guys. I am so proud of myself for getting through stuff lately, but also feeling so many things and today am feeling just so, so tired. The glands in my neck, which I now associate almost exclusively with chronic fatigue flare-ups, are pounding with pain, making the bones in my face hurt.

I am just getting over my fourth? maybe fifth cold of this year (three have been super bad), and I thought I was doing okay until I woke up today feeling that bone-deep exhaustion.

I have been testing my boundaries, asking myself questions. Cleaning and sorting all of my stuff is part of that, and I have let go of about 400 books, not to mention three giant bags of clothes, shoes, and bags, a load of bed linen, and many old plush toys. I am working on releasing old documents right now, and then I will move onto the more nostalgic items, like photos. I am confronting so much about myself that I held to be absolutely true and finding that...it's actually not. Things I thought I had let go of are still here - this isn't always bad, and it's making me want to get back into things that I thought I had grown out of.

The next week or so is going to be kind of huge for me. It feels like, because I decided to clear many things out and organise myself properly, the world is going 'oh okay, try this on for size then!'. I have a job interview soon, which will be my first in over three years, and then next week I have another (small) hospital procedure to get through. [I am being deliberately vague here, I am just not ready to share everything yet.] I have a social thing coming up which is a big deal for me, and I am thinking about returning to some old things/starting some new things that appeal to me.

Ultimately this means that I feel cracked open a lot of the time. And I am trying to sit with that, because it is okay to feel that way. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and, in moments of great overwhelm, to want everything to go away. Those things hang around for a while to remind you of what feels right and what feels forced, and then they move on, and you find yourself in a new area.

I am looking forward to that new area, whenever I manage to arrive at it.

2 comments musings, rambling, random, thoughts

What 'burnout' actually means for me at the moment, and why it's still happening.

I mentioned this topic recently, but mostly discusses the different roles that people occupy and how that was influencing my burnout, rather than the burnout itself or why it was happening. This time, I'm going to talk about that a little deeper.

I'm probably going to leave a few things out of this. I'm not sure I want to talk about everything that is going on, or has been going on, but I want to write things out. I'm exactly sure why I feel the need to do this on my blog, but I think a small part of me hopes that by writing about it, it will help other people dealing with something similar.

Anyway, here we go, I guess.

I am having so much trouble at the moment just doing things. Sometimes I get little bursts of energy and motivation, and then I will do something like unload the dishwasher and put the recycling in the bin, and then I will go back to not being able to do very much. And I must admit that during this time I have kind of slipped back into old, unhelpful habits, like telling myself I should be doing more, feeling irritated with myself, and circling my mind repeatedly with the same old lines.

Like I said, it's unhelpful.

And I think it might be part of the reason why I'm still feeling so burnt out.

By not allowing myself the time to rest and recover from everything, the way my body and mind need me to at the moment, I am actually just prolonging this state. It's like when you get a cold - sure, maybe in the first few days you could push through and assume that it will sort itself out, but actually you just make yourself sicker and then you end up needing to rest for even longer than if you had just taken a day off at the very start of the cold.

I feel like I am slipping backwards with a lot of things - my stomach, after months of not much pain, has started giving me pain again. Honestly, I don't think I have actually recovered properly at all from my cystitis, as it will come back whenever it can. I constantly feel like I'm about to get a migraine, and my skin is feeling like it is going to break out at any moment. I feel lethargic, sore all over, and thoroughly depleted.

And yet I can't stop thinking about study and how I haven't done any readings today, or the fact that I have assignments due soon. Somehow the joy of rest has dropped out of my head at some point and I find myself trying to push my body and mind to do things that they just doesn't seem capable of doing at the moment. In this constant struggle of will against body and mind (and, what the heck, spirit too), I don't think anyone really wins.

I know what the obvious answer is - to take some time off to myself. But I feel like it's more than this. I think I need to reboot my approach again, so that I can take better care of myself. Sometimes we have to foresee when things are going to go a bit haywire, and put safety mechanisms in place so that we can go somewhere and recharge after the worst has passed.

I will try and post further about this once I discover more, just so I can have some advice to give myself later down the track, but I'm not sure when that will be.

I hope that, whatever you are doing, it involves a little bit of self-care.

Love to all who read.

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Human Complexity

There's been so much going on in my world lately: finishing Study Period One for this year, starting Study Period Two, my dad going in and out of hospital a couple of times (he is fine now, just in case you were worried!), and me catching the cold of doom, to name a few. And the result of all that is that I feel super burnt out now. For a few days I didn't really want to do anything and I couldn't encourage interest in much outside of lying in bed staring at Castle reruns and maybe eating some food. (I still got myself out of bed on these occasions and tried to do things anyway, but it did feel a little hollow.)

It took Xin repeatedly telling me that I seemed a bit burnt out, and my realising that he had complimented me on things, or someone had said something to me, and I just kept forgetting that these things had happened. I would say something and then Xin would ask 'do you remember me saying that to you this morning?' and I would be like 'no...'. My brain had taken a holiday for a few days, taking me memory along with it. (Again, just in case you were worrying, it wasn't anything major, just little things here and there. I seem to be fine now.)

For those that have met with burnout before, you probably know this creature. It really makes it hard to do anything and, for those of us with already compromised immune systems, it can actually make you quite unwell. My cold has yet to go away completely and it has been around for about a two weeks now. This led to a lot of time with me just idly thinking about things, and I realised that what I was thinking was a little troublesome.

You see, recently it has come to light that Centrelink want me to apply for five jobs a fortnight to show my commitment to getting employed, so that I will keep getting paid. Putting all my issues with this aside, let's just say that that has brought up a lot of stuff for me. It has made me start thinking that maybe I am not as sick as I think I am (old problem) and that I should be going out and getting a job (another old problem that hasn't been around for a little while).

This led me to thinking about what I actually wanted to do with my life, and how come I hadn't been writing in so long, and what right did I have to choose a job when so many people just pushed through and worked jobs that they hated. And ERRHGHGHGHGHGH. You may be familiar.

Over the last couple of days I have been chatting with Xin and my dad about these things, just talking about them without any sort of doom and gloom or fear, and what I have realised (again) is this: people rarely occupy just one role. In fact, I think that is pretty much impossible. If I start trying to define myself by the fact that I am currently unemployed, then I will exist solely around that definition, and I will welcome depression back in with open arms. It would represent a complete dismissal of everything else I am: book reviewer, writer, blogger, student. Not to mention daughter, sister, fiance and friend. It also works to dismiss the things that I still deal with when it comes to my health, and the fact that I decided to study online this year to try and take the pressure off a little bit.

With that in mind, I am going to keep dreaming about what sort of jobs I would like to have, but I am also not going to take my other roles for granted. Studying at uni is actually a lot more work than some would think, particularly for me, and I would rather finish that this year than get a job and try and work as well as study until I burn out and have to take time off before completing my degree.

This means I may have to continue to relearn lessons that I thought I already knew, and I may have to talk to those close to me over and over about different things, but I am going to try and do what's right by me during that time.

May you always see how complex and wonderful you are, and not define yourself by one single role.Work is what you do, not who you are. Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment rambling, thoughts, work

On trying to stay grounded when you're not sure where your ground is.

There has been a lot going on for me over the past two weeks or so, and so I have neglected my blog (among other things), and find myself returning only occasionally to post, or to check how things are going.

I have been house-sitting with Xin, going to Swancon, trying to catch up on study, dealing with random symptoms (a usual part of my life but nonetheless present), trying to deal with Xin's random symptoms and going with him to emergency when there was a chance something was more wrong than we thought (it wasn't, and yet he still hasn't recovered 100%), and travelling to Canberra for the Aurealis Awards and general touristy stuff with my Dad.

I may write specific posts on all of these things at some point, but for now the thing that is causing me the most consternation is the fact that I am feeling cast adrift a lot lately. It has only become absolutely apparent to me of late, but I realised that I was so very tired of not feeling like 'myself', and trying every single day to just get up and continue on with things.

That's not to say that I was depressed - I would recognise those telltale signs of apathy for things I normally love, that numbness of feeling, that sinking into darkness. This is a thing that has returned to me time and again and, while I may acknowledge that I could be at risk of it happening now, I still feel cheerful and happy to do gentle things most of the time, and so I know that I have not sunk too far as yet.

I realised a couple of days ago that I started this year doing so many wonderful things that I believed in, that I was excited about, that made me feel more like myself. And all of those things have kind of fallen over now. I haven't been swimming in months, my Korean lessons have stopped, I have barely blogged at all this year, let alone reviewed many books or kept up with my reading challenge that much, and my writing? May as well be non-existent for how much I have done.

I have been enjoying myself, though. I have started playing Dragon Age 2 on Xin's PS3 and I am really enjoying it - the intricacies of the characters and the relationships you can form with them is amazing, and the storyline is so close to one of my fantasy novels that I would happily pick up a book version and read it. 
I have tried to spend lots of time with Xin and I feel so happy in my relationship with him.
My mum and I are slowly knitting a blanket-type-thing through knitting little squares that we will eventually sew together, and I am feeling a bit more accomplished in the craft world than I have in ages.
And, of course, with all of the things I have been doing lately, I am meeting people, enjoying new places, discovering new things. 

It's just all a little much now. I came home today from house-sitting and, though I already feel more comfortable being able to get my clothes out of a wardrobe instead of a bag, and getting into my own bed, I still feel disjointed and disconnected. It is making me question what I want to do, and that is a difficult thing to approach for me sometimes. I always thought I wanted to be a published writer - I return to writing time and again and find solace in worlds not my own - and yet, I haven't written in months. And I can't seem to force myself to at the moment.

I feel like some form of inspiration will be coming my way soon, but for now I will just try to inspire myself - to enjoy the new cold that has come through (although we may have a bit more heat soon), to listen to the birds, and to find my restful space again.

Love to all who read.

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