Regular Doses of Grief

This isn't a super cheery post for me, but I think it's something that needs to be written. As with a lot of my posts on chronic illness, I share this not just for myself (though it can be cathartic, it's sometimes just downright scary), but for others who might be going through something similar and think they are alone in it.

Today's topic is: Grief. 

I'm not actually talking about the grief that comes from losing someone, either to death or just distance/end of a relationship. I'm talking about the grief of losing the life that you cannot live because of your chronic illness/es, chronic pain, or other condition that changes the way you want your life to go.

Now, just quickly, a little proviso - I am really happy with my life and where I am. A lot of the time I feel content, and sometimes I feel excited about the little things that I have set up for myself in my life. I have done my best to work around my illnesses and sometimes worth with them so that I am living a life that still has some meaning, even when I can't do a lot of things I would like to.

That being said, I do find that about every six weeks to two months or so, I feel really sad, and sometimes really angry. I think I have written about this before, but not in the context of it being grief - I didn't know at the time that that was what I was going through. I just felt so angry and often that anger would then turn into tears and I would have to cry myself out until I was exhausted. Often then I would have a certain amount of time where I just felt low and ridiculously un-cheerful, until I felt capable of pulling myself back up and just enjoying life again. I didn't know where it was coming from, and it's only been in the past couple of years that I've realised: I'm grieving. I've started linking things together, and these 'doses of grief' often turn up after I am feeling a little frustrated with how little I feel that I can do, or I am sad that I have to acknowledge to myself yet again that I can't work or study or, sometimes, even read or write.

I've been feeling a little low and frustrated lately, and just realising over and over that I can't do some things that I really want to be able to do. I am feeling a bit stuck, and it doesn't help that this has been a bad pain week. I posted on Wednesday about self-care and how it helps, but at the time I honestly thought I was just feeling low because of my pain levels, not that this was one of my 'doses of grief', and those aren't so easy to snap out of. I'm sure some part of me just wishes that I could 'get over it' and move forward without this grief coming up so regularly, but the fact of the matter is that I need to have this. I need to be able to grieve sometimes for a life that I wanted to live, even whilst still being so grateful for the life that I have. I think past-me really couldn't believe that I could hold those two things at the same time, and so the length of my grief 'dose' would spiral out for much longer in the past because I was beating myself up for 'not appreciating the life I have'. I do, and I'm also still sad that I can't do some things that I had planned for myself, like: live in another country; have an 'actual' job so I could earn money; have more pets (Peppermint is probably an 'only cat household' kind of cat, but I can't help feeling like if I had more energy I would be able to introduce her to other friends and she would be happier (yeh, I've stopped beating myself up about this, but sometimes I still think about it); be more active on social media and get back to making videos, and make them even better; write a lot more!; be a better friend; get back to swimming, which I always loved and still do; study more! particularly languages....

The list goes on, but that's some of the things. Sometimes I beat myself up during these periods of grief for not getting more done and being more diligent about my writing or book reviewing for example, but I just try to remind myself that I am doing the best I can. I am doing the best I can. And that looks different to other people's 'best', even other spoonies' 'best'. And that's okay. Sometimes I even believe myself! ^^;

Anyway, I think these periods of grief will probably come up for me for the rest of my life (as I do believe that I will be sick for the rest of my life). Sometimes I will deal with them better than others. At the moment, this one is a little harder because of other difficulties in my life, and not feeling like I can talk to others about things that much. And that's okay. It just is what it is. I'll navigate as best I can, and maybe have a few crying sessions until I feel a little more able to take on the world again.

I hope that, if you have period of grief like this, you know that you're not alone. This sucks. I'm sorry. Let yourself grieve. And then, hopefully, come out the other side of your 'dose of grief' and find something to make yourself smile again, even if it's just a little cat meme.

Love to all who read.

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Slow Living and Chronic Illness // Musings #1

Hello, dearest readers.
Things have been a little confusing over the past couple of days for me - I had a surge over the weekend of *getting all the things done* and really enjoying time spent reorganising, cleaning, and doing energetic things (energetic by my standards - ie. gardening, walking far distances... doing some semblance of what might be called exercise). And then today I woke up feeling completely exhausted, grumpy, and kind of numb.

I returned to making YouTube/BookTube videos about a month ago (my channel is here), and was putting up videos once a week, either on a Friday or Saturday. And then, last week, I just found I didn't want to. I have been wondering if it was something to do with my anxiety (possible) or perhaps a realisation that I prefer the written word (probable). I am still exploring what I want right now, and so my channel is kind of in stasis, but I am responding to comments if you care to leave any.

I recently read a book about Slow Living which I absolutely adored, and it had a few little exercises in it that helped you to figure out what your priorities are in life. I narrowed mine down to a list of five main priorities (keep in mind these are kind of general), and it was such a wonderful experience for me to do that. All of my efforts over the weekend were in line with my priorities, and I wondered what was going to happen when my CFS inevitably stepped in (because I was kind of over-doing it). And, today, I kind of found out.

I am still interested and feel comforted and excited about my top priorities list. It feels right to me, and I am making changes each day to become even more in line with them. And yet, on days like today, I have to take things muuuuch slower. (Slow living, even slower.) Everything is a learning process, and it has me thinking that maybe another item or two needs to be added to my priorities list - particularly along the line of taking care of myself/my health/health in general. It's a constant wobbly balance that we are trying to find, and sometimes you have to lean really hard to one side, and that's okay. Right now I am leaning into doing what I need to to feel better and more comfortable, even with my pain levels being a constant companion.

This was a bit of a rambly post, but I honestly just had some thoughts floating around in my head that I wanted to share. I think I will try and do this a little more often.

Love to all who read.

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Re-learning self-care tactics // when you feel like you've hit rock bottom.

I have talked about this before. I have found burnout and kept it around as a playmate - someone that I don't actually like that much, but I know them well so I don't really know how to let them go. I have struggled and sworn, flailed and screamed, cried my heart out, and lost my emotions to the deep dark pit of depression.

I have lost my light before. I have lost what I thought I had learned by rote. I have looked around at my new surroundings and wondered why they look so different, why I can't remember how to switch my sparkle back on.

Self-care, self-compassion, self-love. Self-everything. Their important. But they seem to be so important that sometimes we take them for granted. We shift them to the backs of our minds, thinking that it will keep happening anyway, we don't need to manage it all the time! We're too busy keeping up with life, keeping up with the Joneses. Showing off how busy, and helpful, and balanced we are!

Until we're not balanced anymore. Ideas kind of stop coming. The well dries up. The heart continues to beat, but it isn't life-affirming anymore. It's survival mode, and the colour has drained from everything, and we can't remember why we were doing the things anyway, what were we doing? How did we get here?

How did we get here. And how do we pull ourselves out. There are so many self-help (there's that self- prefix again!) books around to try to show you, but honestly sometimes they don't work specifically for you. They are generally catered to the masses, or they are catered to the one who wrote it. You have to cherry-pick - find the ones that look the juiciest, the most delicious ones that make your mouth water and your stomach do a little flip in anticipation (okay now I really want cherries).

an old picture of my old bedroom - a place I designed to be the ultimate in self-care.

In the interest of helping your little cherry-picking endeavours along, I wanted to list a few that are helping me find my feet lately. This is also a reminder to myself (hi there!) to return to when things go a bit colourless.

1. sweet routines
Oh, how I love little actions. Sometimes I get lost in the idea of going big - holidays abroad, starting out a huge new hobby to shake things up, etc. But the things that bring a little zing back to my life? Immersing myself in the routine of making a cup of tea, just for me. Picking out a mug or a cup, or even making a pot (I have a pretty sweet collection of all of these). Which tea do I feel like? How long should I steep? Setting up a little area all my own, with my tea, maybe a little snack, even lighting a candle (getting a bit fancy now). Things like this just remind me to take a step back from the whirlpool in my brain and to breathe. Perhaps you have some little routines that might help? A yoga stretch? Running your hands over your bookshelves? Going outside?

2. contacting loved ones
I honestly resist this one the most. I get all locked up in my mind about it - 'they have their own stuff going on, they don't need me dumping stuff on them!', 'what if they are really busy and just can't deal with my stuff right now?', and, scariest of all, 'what if they just don't like me anymore and they're trying to slowly phase out of my life?'. (Yes, I have some paranoia issues around friendship. I don't think I'm the first!)
Honestly, if you have thoughts like mine, or even if you don't, you need to get through the squishy-unsure-space and just send a text, or an email, or give someone a call. Heck, even writing a letter can help you feel better (hmm, poetry material write there). Being social and chatting to someone you care about can remind you that you aren't alone, that there are people that care about you, and that you have valuable things to bring to the table. In the course of speaking to friends and family members, I have realised just how cruel I can be to myself sometimes, and also helped others with their issues. Being a good friend/daughter/sister/wife is one of the things I bring to the table as often as I can, and I am always trying to better myself - it is a strength of mine. Maybe you have something similar? 
Physical touch, if it is something you feel comfortable with, is also great. A hug with someone you love increases levels of oxytocin, which makes you feel all happy and lovey. Yay!

3. nesting
okay, this one relates back into the first one, and also the second one if you want to do this with a loved one around (or more that one! totally up to you). Nesting is just what I call it when you make yourself all nice and cozy, either on a couch, in bed, or on the floor, and then you proceed to do relaxing and cheering things for as long as you feel necessary.
This one I find especially helpful when I am feeling a little emotional, maybe a little teary. I sometimes make a Bethwyn-burrito (me wrapped in a blanket) and just chill until I feel a bit better.
Basic components for nesting include: blankets, pillows, cuddly things (living or toys), favourite drinks and foods, and favourite tv shows and/or movies. Set yourself up and settle in for a nice morning/afternoon/day of gentleness. Nesting is sometimes absolutely necessary (what some people call a 'mental health day'), and I highly recommend it for showing yourself some love and compassion.


Like I said before, try to cherry-pick what works for you. Some things will help you, some won't, and some will need some tweaking to feel just right for you. However you show yourself some self-love, I hope this post will give you a little nudge towards doing something nice for yourself today.

Love to all who read.

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