finding a new path

a couple of days ago I wrote about being burnt out, and how that has been affecting me. That is still happening, but I am noticing some new stuff along with the usual overwhelm and need to hibernate: gentle nudges towards what I might actually like.

I am thinking about what I would like to do, not necessarily just in the new year, but in general. I have started doing a couple of those things when I feel able. I am challenging some of my pre-conceived notions - though perhaps "challenging" is a bit too active, because what I'm really doing is looking at them honestly, and gently pulling them apart to see where they come from.

In a similar way to a blogger I admire a lot (Havi), it feels like I am meeting a new version of myself, slowly welcoming them in and offering them tea. I am chatting to them about their values and desires, and figuring out what makes the most sense for them - and for me. [psst: it's okay if I've lost you, I realise that this may be a bit strange!]

basically, I am trying not to push, and this has led me to new suggestions of what I might like to do. I may share a list on my blog, I may not, but it feels like there is a lot of change going on behind the scenes. I'm just waiting to see what it all means.

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not thinking just writing

since I handed in my final assignment for my degree at the end of November and picked up a few things that had been floating idly until I was ready, things kind of started to spiral a bit. I couldn't find my centre, and I still can't it seems.

I realised after a couple of weeks that I was burnt out, and my oft-repeated reaction to things was to feel overwhelmed and unable to do much of anything. I didn't cease to function - I was still doing household chores, doing the Christmas shopping, organising wedding stuff - but it was more difficult, and some days I found it hard to even figure out who I was.

I have been slowly reintroducing things that I know usually help, like a gentle morning routine, and spending time watching youtubers I adore, or series that I have rewatched about ten times. I am rereading a series of books by Anne Bishop that for some reason makes me feel all comfortable and safe, even though it features creatures that are quick to attack humans in some cases (my mind works in mysterious ways).

And yet, I still don't feel right. The post-Christmas malaise is hitting me hard today and I am just feeling a little lost. I am struggling to understand all of this, and my body seems to want to go through stages of grief even with me feeling confused - today has featured a whole lot of weeping, for example. Tears just leaking out of my eyes without any other reaction whatsoever. There doesn't seem to be any reason for it aside from this being something I just need to sit with at the moment.

I need to be weepy and slow-moving, I need to sit and cuddle Beeyore, read books when my eyes will focus, drink lots of things and maybe get some tasty (but probably not very healthy) food. And I need to stop trying to figure this out, or push my way through it, because that actually isn't helping.

I have a vague idea of this being about me finishing my degree and being a little unsure of what is next, but I think I need to let things happen for a while, instead of forcing them to happen. I'm going to try and be patient.

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forest-bathing (shinrin-yoku) and other tales

the journey

I just got back from a trip to Margaret River today. My partner and I booked a weekend away months ago, as a way to celebrate our eight year anniversary, as well as my recent completion of my final assignment for my degree. And I had been looking forward to it for ages.

And yet, when we got down there, I didn't feel the peace that I normally do. I had little glimpses of it, sure, but I was mostly on edge, grumpy, irritable, and generally out of sorts. I was also a little bit sad. And I'm really not sure why.

I think it was partially because I have placed a lot of expectations on myself lately - I thought they were coming from outside of me, from different people in my life, but it turns out that I don't think that's entirely true. I think I was expecting myself to deal with all of these things at the same time, and do them well. 

And you know what? That is just too much for anyone, really. And what I was experiencing in M. R. emotionally - and physically, as many symptoms popped up and are still doing so - was the fall-out of how overwhelmed I have made myself feel.

The little glimmers of calm and peace I had, however, were blissful, and I don't think this trip will stop me going back to M.R. as often as I can. Cowaramup, too. They are just lovely places that I feel a deep connection to, and I love that. 

But, for now, I am back home, and I am re-thinking my stance on a few things. I think I have fallen back into the habit of trying to do everything, and I need to pull back on that for sure. There is some big change going on, and I want to make it as pleasurable for myself as possible and, if I can't make it pleasurable, at least I will try to relax and ease into everything.

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