Bench musings: biophilia and exercise.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013
(taken on my webcam as I type this post)

I woke up today feeling really crappy. I mean, exhausted, sick, sore, stiff, just everything wrong. I felt low, too. The most I could do to start with was drag myself out of bed, grab my phone, kindle, and water bottle, and head to the back room to turn on the tv. I spent a few hours sitting in front of kids television shows (ones I'm loving lately: Mouk, The Octonauts,  and Rob the Robot), unable to do much except pour myself some cereal and take my vitamins.

By 10:30, I was feeling worse. My limbs felt like they were made of lead, and my head was pounding away to a rhythm I couldn't seem to understand. My partner, Xin, despite being stressed with his own busy schedule, tried to comfort me from afar via text message (I love you!), and it was then that I realised no one else could do anything about this. I had to do something about how I was feeling - even if I could just cheer myself up, being exhausted and sick wouldn't be nearly as uncomfortable and...boring.

So I took myself outside. Despite it being pretty much the middle of winter here in Australia (well, we're two months out of three), the sun was shining and there were birds and even bees around (not sure the bees ought to be around... :| I hope they don't die from the wet and cold!). I wandered around just listening to the breeze drifting through the trees and played with Bronte for awhile. And I immediately felt better - more positive, lighter, calmer. And that's what biophilia is to me - the belief that we have an innate connection with all natural systems. The belief that nature can heal us.

Sure, there's the basics - sunlight on our skin (particularly areas where the veins are close to the surface, like your inner elbows or wrists) gives us a dose of vitamin D, which makes us feel happier. Fresh air can give us a little reminder to breath easier, which doses us up on oxygen. But there's more to it than that. If I get outside and just make an effort to clear my head and get OUT of my head, just for a little while, I feel connected to the world outside of me. And a lot of my emotional pain comes from just sitting inside my own head for too long - allowing old problems and negative thoughts to stagnate and take over.

Another thing that I've realised lately is I haven't been trying hard enough to get more exercise. And that's just silly. (Really.) Even though I have CFS, I don't want to let that rule everything about me, and so I'm determined to move back into finding exercise that suits me. For the last two days, it's been yoga, walking, and (today alone) Just Dance 4 :P Because, believe it or not, dancing makes me smile.

Just one more thing I wanted to mention - I have decided that I'm going to go two months without buying any books. (Please pick your lower jaw off the floor, it's quite unseemly.) Basically, because I'm now in full reading mode judging for the Aurealis Awards, buying new books for myself is kind of....pointless. Oh, there are still things I want to buy. But I'm just putting things on the back burner, at least for two months, until I can see that I have some form of self-restraint when it comes to book buying. (Exceptions to this rule are if I win books and if I am given books as a gift.)

The other decision I've made is to try and buy only fairtrade, eco-friendly clothes from now on. (I do include op-shop finds in this, however.) I really want to try and back up my choices with my money, and just buying clothes that I like isn't working for me so much anymore - when I start to think about where it was made, and where the fabric came from, I just start to feel a bit guilty. Being fairtrade and eco-friendly is important to me and, while I may not have much money to back this up right now, I can at least try. (Again, exceptions are items won and gifts.)

I am tentatively thinking over a final choice and that is whether to give up watching TV for a little while. But, because I've been sick so often lately, this has been a harder decision to make. I will update if I come to a conclusion.

Anyway, thanks for reading!! Out of interest, does anyone have anything they want to give up - just to see if you can, or for ethical reasons? Tell me down below!

Assessing your health-related weaponry.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

When you get sick often, sometimes it can feel like it's you against the world.

You can feel like you don't have anything on your side and just want to curl up and wallow in self-pity.

I have those days. If it's a bad week, I have those days about every third day. They're hard - harder than usual because you're so caught up in this narrative of 'I'm all alone' and 'nobody cares' and 'I'm always going to be sick so why bother trying to do anything?' These toxic thoughts are just swirling around in your head, and you feel ultra-tuned in to them, and to your symptoms.

On those days, you may not want to read a post like this, because it just feels like it's full of advice that you haven't asked for, and tips that you feel like you've been using to no avail. Oh, yes. I know that feeling. I once read a promotional email on one of those days offering a new healing program that asked me whether I was 'sick of wallowing in self-pity and a victimised state' and I exclaimed aloud where they could place such a notion. (It wasn't a friendly statement.)

This post is for those days where you feel like picking up again (in my experience, they usually come AFTER the horrible days are done). When you feel like looking at what support you're offering yourself and what support you might like to offer, if you could.

Basics.

Here's where you work out what your basic needs are. It's something worth thinking about because our basic needs vary widely from person to person. For example, I KNOW I get really grumpy if I get hungry or too hot. (Too cold is also a bad plan for me, but I can deal with it a little better than when I'm too hot.) So I take actions to make sure that this won't happen. On hot days, I'll make sure I have a hat, sunglasses, and a water bottle if I absolutely have to go out. I will also try and walk in the shade and sit down often. I make an effort to always carry snacks with me (that are suitable for my particular diet) just in case I can't get to food or I can't find food that I can eat without getting sick.
Another basic for me tends to be comfort. If I have to go to someone's house, for example, I try to make sure that I will be able to sit down most of the time, and I try to ask for a drink as soon as I'm there - generally tea. My best friend and my boyfriend are great at this, and very kind to me.
What are your basic needs? 


Additionals.

This is the sort of stuff you feel you need on top of your basics. I know it might sound a little weird to be figuring these things out, but if you know what you need then - when/if you get sick - you will know exactly how to look after yourself, and in what order things need to be done. Sometimes having a list to tick off can make you feel like you're doing something excellently.
For example, if I feel a cold coming on, I will make sure my basics are seen to (get to a room where the temperature is perfect for me, make sure I have snacks) and then I'll move on to additional stuff. I'll often heat up my heatpack, grab a blanket, put on a tv series I love, and grab a book. Don't forget your water or tea as well! Having everything nearby and knowing that I'm looking after myself can make me feel better emotionally, which goes a long way to making me feel like I can kick the cold.

Medical professionals.

Okay, this is a topic that can be hard to talk about. I must stress here that I am by no means an expert in this area - I've had experience with a few health professionals, but that doesn't mean I know what's happening in your specific situation. I cannot diagnose you or your situation. O_O
However, one thing that I will stress is that having medical professionals that make you feel comfortable and heard is amazing. Your doctor (or whatever health professional you're thinking of) is not really supposed to be your friend, but you are still building or maintaing a relationship of sorts with them. And if you don't feel comfortable talking to them about what's bothering you then how can they help you feel better? I think that having a good team of medical professionals on your side can make things feel more manageable when/if you get sick.
For example, you could have a great professional-client relationship with your GP, your allergist, and your psych, but feel like you're not being heard in your relationship with your chiropractor. So you've got a strong link with everyone except her, and you feel uncomfortable when you go to see her. That doesn't make you feel better, so try to either remedy that or find someone new who helps you out. Of course, it's not all about how nice someone is, but if you don't feel like your medical professional is helping you with your medical problems, then why are you seeing them?

Close relationships.

Emotional relationships with family, friends, and lovers really feature in to how comfortable you are with resting when you get sick, and sometimes, how quickly you get better. I'm not saying it's the only feature (there are so many...) but it's a prominent one. This is a delicate connection to handle sometimes, particularly if you have a chronic illness. Being sick all the time can put serious strain on a relationship.
However, if you're not someone who gets sick often and you feel like your partner, a friend, or family, reject you when you say you need to rest, this can make you feel guilty, lost, and upset.
Needless to say, none of these emotions really help with the healing process.
With these relationships, it's not about patching it or going and finding someone else - there may be more that you need to delve into here. It may require sitting down and talking to the person in question about what you would like (as specifically as possible) when you are feeling sick. Try not to get angry, because there might be something deeper going on. And try to think about how you react when the other person is sick - do you try to help them out? Do you give them the space they need to rest? It's all about give and take.


For now, that's just a small bite for each of these, but I might go into more detail for each in separate posts. I hope it's gotten you thinking about what is ready in your line of defence against illness! And I hope you're having a lovely Sunday, wherever you are :)

New Video: 25 Things About Me Tag!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

New Video: Booktube-a-thon Wrap-up!


Book Review: Black City by Elizabeth Richards

Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I love reading. Books are amazing. They are a form of escapism, yes, but they are also inspiration, joy, and... well. Goodness. I think in some ways I have used my appetite for reading to define parts of my personality, so it made sense for me to review some of what I read! Here we go...



Title: Black City
Author: Elizabeth Richards
Series: first book in the Black City trilogy

Synopsis: "In the aftermath of a brutal and bloody war, in the still-smoldering Black City, sixteen-year-olds Natalie Buchanan and Ash Fisher do the unthinkable - they fall in love. Natalie, a human and the daughter of a government official, is still reeling from her father's murder by a crazed Darkling, upending her entire life. So how can she now be falling for Ash, a brooding half-blood Darkling boy? Natalie's heart betrays everything she's ever believed with one magnetic beat, forcing her to choose between her family and the boy she loves.

Ash tries desperately to deny his feelings for Natalie. She is a Sentry brat, after all. The very Sentry who would love nothing more than to see all Darklings totally eradicated from the United Sentry States. For now, they've settled for banishing all Darklings to the wrong side of the ghetto wall. Despite being half-human and being allowed to live on the human side, Ash is still scorned wherever he goes, always wondering what it would be like on the other side of the wall with his own kind. Then Natalie steps into his life, a calming force, and he, too, has to choose. But choosing Natalie could get them both killed.

A page-turning and passionate romance set in a mesmerizing and perilous world, Black City is a rich, atmospheric read not to be missed."

My thoughts: It has been about a week and half since I read this, and I'm still quite undecided about Black City.
Firstly, the premise of this book is interesting, and there were quite a few little plot additions that I found very very awesome. (I want go into them for fear of spoilers.) The characters were intriguing and obviously conflicted, and there were a few twists in the story that I did not see coming, which made for an exciting read.
However, I did have some issues with this book. There's a lot of argument going around about this book's romance - some people think it lacked believability and happened too fast, others feel that it was romantic and spontaneous in just the right amounts. I am probably more of the former group than the latter. It's not that I don't believe in love at first sight... But the relationship between Ash and Natalie just felt a little forced at times. I was able to get on board eventually, but initially I had reservations about what was happening and why. 
I think the main issue I had, which probably contributed to my inability to connect with the romance in the book, was that I never felt like I could completely connect with either character. They kind of felt like cardboard cutouts at times - the kid from the wrong side of the tracks, the girl who had been raised rich and then had everything taken away to leave her bitter and somewhat jaded. I never really felt like either character stopped to think about anything EVER and that made it really difficult for me to keep reading.

The problem is that I need a bit of a pause for thought between action scenes, and this book rarely offered that to me. I have pondered for days over whether this is a personal preference or a failing of the book because, honestly, the world in which Ash and Natalie live is clearly going through turmoil and that would rarely give them time to pause and think. But, whether it be my own preference or the book's, I felt like the plot was just firing things at me continuously, with no room for me to stop and ask 'wait...what?'.

In the end, yes, I did finish this book. I even enjoyed it. But I don't feel any desire to read it again, and I am still unsure whether I am invested enough in the characters to want to read book two: Phoenix. I guess I'll see.

You would like this book if: You enjoy paranormal romance with heavy doses of action and plot twists.

Rating:  7/10

If you'd like to keep up to date with what I'm reading, follow me on Goodreads here!

Book Review: Divergent by Veronica Roth

Sunday, July 21, 2013
I love reading. Books are amazing. They are a form of escapism, yes, but they are also inspiration, joy, and... well. Goodness. I think in some ways I have used my appetite for reading to define parts of my personality, so it made sense for me to review some of what I read! Here we go...


Title: Divergent
Author: Veronica Roth
Series: First book in the Divergent Trilogy

Synopsis: "Sixteen-year-old Tris is forced to make a terrible choice. In a divided society where everyone must conform, Tris does not fit.

So she ventures out alone, determined to discover where she truly belongs. Shocked by her brutal new life, Tris can trust no one. And yet she is drawn to a boy who seems to both threaten and protect her. 
The hardest choice lies ahead."

My thoughts: I seem to be on a neverending search for strong female characters, and I was really rewarded with Divergent. Tris is excellent - strong, thoughtful, and yet still able to show emotion and be herself. Needless to say, I fell in love with her and her story almost instantly.
I was worried originally from the blurb that there might be some issues with a 'princess' complex - that is, where a female character appears strong until her 'knight' comes along an suddenly she is weak and frustratingly docile in the face of danger (if you can call screaming uselessly docile), but there was none of that here. Yes, there is romance. No, it does not negate from the character's strength or the storyline itself. In my opinion, the romance aspects of the book felt real, genuine, and interesting.

This book was very fast-paced after a certain point, and also quite violent in parts. Nothing that really bothered me, but I thought I'd leave that as a warning. In light of how awesome I found the main characters, I sometimes felt that I wanted a little more from the minor characters, but the way it was written in Tris's point of view really worked, and the less the other characters came into it, the more you realised it was just a part of Tris's coping mechanisms coming into play.

I have been meaning to read this book for some time, and I am so glad I finally got around to it. I already have Insurgent (Book Two) in my possession, so I will be reading that very soon - I'm really looking forward to it!


You would like this book if: You like strong female characters; you like a bit of action and violence in your YA fiction; you enjoy dystopian fiction.

Rating:  9/10

If you'd like to keep up to date with what I'm reading, follow me on Goodreads here!

Book Review: The Gathering Dark/Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo

Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I love reading. Books are amazing. They are a form of escapism, yes, but they are also inspiration, joy, and... well. Goodness. I think in some ways I have used my appetite for reading to define parts of my personality, so it made sense for me to review some of what I read! Here we go...






Title: The Gathering Dark / Shadow and Bone
Author: Leigh Bardugo
Series: Book One in The Grisha Trilogy

Synopsis: "'I've been waiting for you for a long time, Alina,' he said. 'You and I are going to change the world.'The Shadow Fold, a swathe of impenetrable darkness, is slowly destroying the once-great nation of Ravka.
Alina, a pale, lonely orphan, discovers a unique power that thrusts her into the world of the kingdom's magical elite - the Grisha. Could she be the key to setting Ravka free?

The Darkling, a man of seductive charm and terrifying power. If Alina is to fulfil her destiny, she must unlock her gift and face up to her dangerous attraction to him.
But what of Mal, Alina's childhood best friend? As Alina contemplates her dazzling new future, why can't she ever quite forget him?"

My thoughts: So you might be wondering why I've put two titles and two images up above for this book. Well, I'm still a little confused myself, but basically the Shadow and Bone title is more well-known, while The Gathering Dark title was an alternate release title in England or something? Okay, yeh, I don't really know at all, but trust me that I have checked and rechecked and these are the same book. Now then...

The magical world of this book is set in Russia, and I have to say I like that Bardugo chose a setting that hasn't seen a lot of exploration in terms of magical worlds. Often you find this sort of story being set in England, Ireland, and occasionally America. So Russia was an interesting choice and added an air of mystery into the book that I loved.
I found the characters to be wonderful and slightly complex - Alina in particular given that we are privy to her thoughts. I occasionally felt that she could be a bit vapid and childish about some things, but overall I thought she was very well-written and reacted to her new life in a way that I found fascinating to follow.

I will try not to say too much about how the story unfolds, but when it comes to the changes in Alina, I think I had a personal investment in her story. The way she suppressed her power spoke to something in me, and that made me even more determined to find out what happens to her. And with the introduction of a love triangle, I worried that this would be written awkwardly and make me want to yell at the characters for being stupid, but Bardugo writes this scenario so well that I found myself caught up in each new romantic event. The twists in the story are excellently written, too (and that is all I will say on that).

I suppose the only criticism I would have is that occasionally when a character was surveying a vista or some sort of landscape or person, it kind of felt like the writing was telling me about it, rather than showing me, and I found myself wanting to skip over these parts to get back to the characters. This is quite a slim form of criticism however, so I might just wait and see what happens next.

I think the thing that surprised me most about this book is that, normally when I read a book, I develop opinions on characters and rarely do I change them. But this book got me changing my opinion on people and feeling unsure as to what was going to happen next. After I have read a fair few Fantasy YA books, this is a bit of a feat, and I was surprised at how invested I was in the story and how desperately I wanted to know what happens next. Needless to say, I am very nearly frothing at the mouth to have my hands on book two.


You would like this book if: You like YA fantasy; you enjoy a good love triangle; you find unusual forms of magic based in Russia interesting.

Rating:  9/10

If you'd like to keep up to date with what I'm reading, follow me on Goodreads here!

New Video: Booktube-A-Thon TBR!

Sunday, July 14, 2013


I look a bit creepy in that video thumbnail. Hmm.

Anyway! Another new video!! This one is just talking about the readathon that is starting TOMORROW! I mention what I'll be reading to fulfil the challenges that come along with the readathon. :D

Book Review: The Infernal Devices Trilogy by Cassandra Clare

I love reading. Books are amazing. They are a form of escapism, yes, but they are also inspiration, joy, and... well. Goodness. I think in some ways I have used my appetite for reading to define parts of my personality, so it made sense for me to review some of what I read! Here we go...


Title: Clockwork Angel, Clockwork Prince, and Clockwork Princess
Author: Cassandra Clare
Series: The Infernal Devices Trilogy

Synopsis: From Clockwork Angel: "Magic is dangerous - but love is more dangerous still.
When sixteen-year-old Tessa Gray arrives in England during the reign of Queen Victoria, something terrifying is waiting for her in London's Downworld, where vampires, warlocks and other supernatural folk stalk the gaslit streets. Friendless and hunted, Tessa seeks refuge with the Shadowhunters, a band of warriors dedicated to ridding the world of demons. Drawn ever deeper into their world, she finds herself fascinated by - and torn between - two best friends and quickly realizes that love may be the most dangerous magic of all."

My thoughts: I had originally planned on reviewing each of these individually, but that fell flat on its face when I realised that if I were to do that, I may be giving away fundamental parts of the story that you wouldn't want to know should you decide to read these books! So, instead, I will do my best to combine my thoughts on this trilogy together and then give you an overall score :)

To begin with, I have read some of the books from Cassandra Clare's other well-known series The Mortal Instruments, and so I was already familiar with the world of the Shadowhunters even before I decided to buy these books. (Note: bought from Dymocks as they are currently having a three for the price of two deal on many of Cassandra Clare's books. Also, I am a sucker for beautiful covers.)

The first thing I noticed about these books is that they are really easy to read and I found myself sinking into them without too much resistance. Clare writes in a way that feels familiar and light, while still introducing you to new characters, species, and relationships.
In the first book, Clockwork Angel, I found it a bit hard to connect with any of the characters in a real way, but that soon changed. Without giving too much away (is that my slogan now?), I fell in love with the character of Jem, whose back-story I found really interesting and his whole attitude to life just really resonated with me.

Other back-stories began to take shape in the second book, Clockwork Prince, and I began to care more and more about each of the people caught up in what was happening. There were a few twists and turns, and I loved finding out what was happening. I may have even teared up and gasped a few times (I'm an emotional reader these days). For those who read these books - Chapter Nine in Clockwork Prince is when I really started to care about what was happening in the relationships between the main characters. If you read it, you will understand. ^_~ Having said that, though, I still wasn't completely enamoured with the writing style and I occasionally felt like Clare was becoming a bit clunky and repetitive with her writing. I persevered, though, because by this time I really wanted to know what the resolution would be.

Clockwork Princess did not disappoint. Oh my goodness, the twists! The FEELS! The development of the characters was excellent, and even the minor characters and side-stories were fascinating. On the other hand, however, this would sometimes be difficult to follow as there were so many connections going on and so sometimes it felt all too convoluted and blah. I am really happy I finished the book, though, because it raised a lot of interesting thoughts about the burdens of immortality and also death, and I never really expected that from these books.

In the end, this trilogy got better over time and ended up making me want to finish Clare's Mortal Instruments series, which I think is a great thing. If a writer can make you want more of their work, then that's a win in my book. (ha!)


You would like this book trilogy if: you enjoy paranormal romance; you like any of the books from the Mortal Instruments series; you feel like a decent trilogy.

Rating: 7.5 /10 (Book One: 6.5; Book Two: 7.5; Book Three: 8.5)

If you'd like to keep up to date with what I'm reading, follow me on Goodreads here!

New Video: Introductions and why I started vlogging...

Saturday, July 13, 2013
New video! Check it out... Lighting is really important! XD

Book Review: The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

Wednesday, July 10, 2013
I love reading. Books are amazing. They are a form of escapism, yes, but they are also inspiration, joy, and... well. Goodness. I think in some ways I have used my appetite for reading to define parts of my personality, so it made sense for me to review some of what I read! Here we go...




Title: The Catcher in the Rye
Author: J.D. Salinger

Synopsis: Uhm yes. So there isn't really a uniform blurb or synopsis for this book, so I will just mention a few things. In case you haven't heard of this book (unlikely) or haven't read it (slightly more likely), Catcher in the Rye is a very famous American novel featuring the teenager Holden Caulfield. Holden talks about his life and the people he likes (slim amount) and doesn't like (oh-so-many). Honestly, I don't know if I can provide much more information than that without getting into my own thoughts on the book sooo that's all you're getting.

My thoughts: So the main reason I picked up this book was because I had never read it (not a requirement in school for me) and also because of John Green's crash course on literature. (YES I AM MENTIONING JOHN GREEN FOR THE THIRD WEEK IN A ROW.) I will link to the first video on Catcher in the Rye at the end of this review - but be warned there are spoilers.

So back to the book! Holden is such a weird character. He irritated me on a few levels as he just seems to hate a LOT OF THINGS AND PEOPLE and keeps talking about how fake they are and that sort of thing. However, as I read on, I found myself strangely drawn to understanding more about him and what was going on in his life.

The way this story is written I found to be a little jarring - the tone and point of view made it hard to become fully involved in Holden's life and what was happening. He also kept jumping around explaining what was happening now, and what had happened before, and he seemed to have difficult concentrating on one thing at a time. It really became something like I was actually having a conversation with him although he talked so much I couldn't get a word in edgewise. 

I must admit to not being able to understand the ending very well until John Green pointed out what it meant to me in his videos, but I did find that reading the Catcher in the Rye was a lesson in writing and what you can do with it. So, a fascinating book with a character that frustrated me.

You would like this book if: You like reading about teenage angst; you enjoy obscure books which follow the main character's internal monologues; you've never read it and need something less than 200 pages long to occupy your time.

Rating: 6/10

Find the first crash course video on Catcher in the Rye here.

If you'd like to keep up to date with what I'm reading, follow me on Goodreads here!

Branching Out!

Monday, July 8, 2013
Hi guys!
So, I've been thinking about doing this for a little while, so I finally gave it a go (with assistance from Xin and my dad and my awesome new camera :P) and recorded a video for youtube!
Please give it a watch and maybe head to my channel and hit that subscribe button! :D


Love to all who read (and watch!) :)

Recurring Symptoms

Sunday, July 7, 2013
My new slippers!! :D

Things have been very slow and steady around the den for awhile (when I say 'den' I mean my own little world full of comfort and quietitude..) since semester one finished. Unfortunately that has as much to do with my health as a personal choice to take it easy, as I keep having migraine symptoms almost every day. I thought I might write a little post as a reminder to myself and to others of how to deal with symptoms that just keep coming back so that when (if) they do come back, I shall feel prepared!

The main problem with recurring symptoms is that they can make you feel helpless and overwhelmed - painkillers might not be working, or you've tried to change your diet and that's just not making them go away, or maybe it's a symptom like nausea or dizziness which really interferes with your ability to function properly. Their constant presence can be extremely frustrating and confusing, and can feel like it's slowly wearing down your motivation and strength until you may do things like: snap at someone you love, drift into depression, feel anxious all the time that the symptoms will always be there, or convince yourself that these symptoms mean you have something worse lurking within your own body. All in all, it's not a comfortable state to be in.

If you are getting recurring symptoms and you're starting to feel this way, I want you to remember three main things:

  1. Look after yourself.
    I cannot stress this enough. I've noticed that sometimes all I want is for someone else to look after me, but that is not always available and so I need to do it myself. So try and learn any tricks you can that help with your symptoms. As an example, here are some of my go-to tricks lately: lower the lights (this helps with headaches if you're light sensitive, and can also foster a comforting aura to the room), making sure I have plenty of fluids nearby (water, flavoured water, tea, fresh juice - I try to make sure it's healthy and tasty and I remind myself to keep drinking as this helps any toxins move through my body and keeps me hydrated), change into loose clothes (I find if I feel more comfortable, I relax better and am more likely to feel better), and grabbing a heat pack (sometimes I use this for a specific pain, and sometimes I just want the warmth. also, my heat pack is a blue dinosaur called Aoife, so...)
  2. Find comforting things.
    As I mentioned above with loose clothes, when you feel comfortable you often feel emotionally better, which can lead to feeling physically better. So find those things that make you feel comfortable and safe, and get them nearby. My favourites include: blankets, pillows, pets (or soft toys, as they have a comforting and nurturing presence, too), and favourite movies/tv shows/books/games (within reason here, as if you have a migraine coming, bright flashing lights are a terrible idea. However, everyone has a different relaxation level - some people use zombie shooters to relax, while others need only a good book. Find your level!)
  3. If you have to keep working or being active, show yourself some compassion.
    Sometimes you're working or out and about when the symptoms come in. Sometimes it means you have to slowly work towards making plans to go home earlier than you expected. This can feel awful and like you're letting others down, but remember to be compassionate with yourself and not to bully yourself or guilt yourself into avoiding rest. If all you can do at the time is ask for a chair so you can sit down, just do it. People would prefer that you grab a chair instead of passing out. If you need to locate a bathroom, don't let pride or ego step in the way of doing that. If you're with a loved one, try to enlist their help so that you can feel better. I can't tell you the amount of times I've had to lean on Xin or get him to help find me a chair or something. He's been a champion every time. Show compassion for yourself.
Just remember that everyone gets sick - some people more often than others - and getting better is sometimes a really long process, so recurrent symptoms can be common. If you're really worried, definitely go see your doctor - I strongly believe in the phrase 'better to be safe than sorry' and I think some people really put off seeing the doctor. It all comes down to how quickly you start looking after yourself, as that can vastly influence your recovery time.

I hope this post helps you to show yourself some kindness in the face of feeling unwell, and that if you are feeling unwell now, you have a swift recovery!

Love to all who read!


Creative Writing: Barrel and Burn pt 2

Friday, July 5, 2013
So I have had a bit of a productive day today and am working on some new (and old) projects, so I thought I'd write and post the next part of Barrel and Burn. This part is slightly shorter and perhaps a little less exciting than the first part, but I'm just following where the story leads.

For those who didn't read part one, you can find it here.

As always, constructive criticism only please. I was pleasantly surprised at how the first part was received, so I thought I'd keep going with this story for awhile. 
This is a story written straight from my brain, so please don't reproduce without my permission. :)

Here we go!

"I am staring at the gap between the floor tiles. I can hear my brother sobbing, but I cannot look at him. I cannot help him. I cannot move my head. All I can see is the gap between the two floor tiles. And then there is something entering into my small square of vision. It is moving slowly, but it encroaches on the gap that I stare at. And then I realise. It's blood.

I wake up and gasp for air, as if I haven't been breathing while asleep. My bedside light is on - I can't sleep if I turn it off these days - and I quickly look around the room to check that I am alone. My eyes confirm that I am the only one in the room, but I don't trust it. This is not really my apartment. I live here, but I haven't even begun to make my mark here since I was forced to leave my old, cosy, familiar apartment.

Although, to be honest, it wasn't familiar after everything that happened. I don't think I could ever see it as cosy after that.

I feel like a stranger in this place, as if I am staying with some distant relative who resents my presence here every day. It was the best place I could find and I know that I need to take steps to claim it as my own, but I haven't even properly unpacked my stuff yet. I have nightmares about opening my boxes of clothes to find them covered in blood, too.

Tonight's nightmare still hovers on the edge of consciousness and I sigh, knowing I'm unlikely to get any more sleep tonight. It's still dark outside, so I sit up in bed and switch on the TV. I have kid's movies preloaded on my TV and I settle down to watch one, hoping that the saccharine sweetness of the storylines and characters will do something to comfort me and banish the nightmare from my mind.

It has taken me five months to get to a place of being able to function after having one of my nightmares. Initially I woke up screaming, sobbing, or tangled in sheets. I'd like to say that I have become accustomed to their presence each night, but to be honest I think it's more a case of some part of me shutting down so that I don't react as emotionally. I had tried to avoid sleep for a little while so that I might escape visiting that place so vividly, but routine and simple desire for sleep won out and so I still try to get at least a couple of hours these days.

Three soft knocks sound on my bedroom door and then it opens to reveal my brother. His eyes are a combination of red and purple from how tired he is, and he looks at me questioningly. I nod and he pads in on sock-covered feet, shuts the door gently behind him, and comes and gets into bed beside me. He seems attuned to me, now, and will often come in to watch movies with me now. He still doesn't know why I have the nightmares - I think he is afraid to ask - but he always tries to be around when I can't sleep. Technically I'm his carer now, but sometimes I wonder if it isn't the other way around."

Book Review: Looking for Alaska by John Green

Wednesday, July 3, 2013
I love reading. Books are amazing. They are a form of escapism, yes, but they are also inspiration, joy, and... well. Goodness. I think in some ways I have used my appetite for reading to define parts of my personality, so it made sense for me to review some of what I read! Here we go...




Title: Looking for Alaska
Author: John Green

Synopsis: "'In the dark beside me, she smelled of sweat and sunshine and vanilla, and on that thin-mooned night I could see little more than her silhouette, but even in the dark, I could see her eyes - fierce emeralds. And not just beautiful, but hot too.'

Alaska Young. Gorgeous, clever, funny, sexy, screwed up - and utterly fascinating. Miles Halter could not be more in love with her. But when tragedy strikes, Miles discovers the value and the pain of living and loving unconditionally.

Nothing will ever be the same."


My thoughts: Okay, okay, I know. I reviewed a John Green book last week (The Fault in Our Stars), but honestly, I kind of went on a bit of a John Green kick after that (psst, you can follow him and his brother Hank on their youtube channel vlogbrothers [they have a LOT of youtube channels] here!) and haven't quite finished yet. So there may be another John Green book review in the works in the next couple of weeks too... :)

Anyway, back to Alaska.
As previously mentioned, I went on a bit of a John Green kick after TFioS and I bought a couple more of his books. This was one of them.
I love the voice of the main characters in John Green's books - it always feels like they are slightly underwhelmed by the state of the world, but you can feel how they desperately want to find something to have faith in - to be hopeful for. Miles Halter definitely has this voice. I loved his little character quirks - how he loved last words (that is, the last words people spoke before death) and how he could recite them from memory. I loved how he didn't like to read anything but biographies - it was so intriguing to me that he loved the biography of a writer, but never read any of their WORK. 

The chapter layout of this book was also fascinating. Each chapter started with a number of days BEFORE (eg. first chapter title: One Hundred and Thirty-Six Days Before) and that just made me curious (and fearful) about what was coming. It made me want to keep reading and discover what this great event was. And what would happen after it had occurred.

I must admit that I didn't find myself liking or relating to the characters in this book as much as in TFioS, but that is a little like trying to compare an apple with a dandelion. While the narrator voice is quite similar to me, the stories are entirely different and deal with different issues. A uniting theme, however, is John Green's exploration of death and finality through his characters. And that is something that I have found myself drawn to again and again with his writing. I really love how Green approaches this issue, and shows how it pervades his character's thinking, even in the strangest of ways, like Miles' interest in last words.

While I didn't love this book as much as TFioS, I still enjoyed reading it. I will definitely keep reading John Green's work.

You would like this book if: You like John Green's writing; you enjoy books with a hint of quirk and interesting underlying themes.

Rating:  8/10

If you'd like to keep up to date with what I'm reading, follow me on Goodreads here!

Pouring Words.

Monday, July 1, 2013
My new teacup.


I am continually amazed at how I am always learning about the world, about others. About myself.

Things often seem so hazy and caught up in a swirl of everythingness that I just can't help but mix with and not see anything clearly. 

And then I have those times of clarity and gentleness and things seem to settle around me, and suddenly I can see again.

Part of this means that I feel disconnected from my body quite a lot. I've noticed that I am more attuned to my body than most people - I notice immediately how different foods affect my digestion, or how bright lights affect my vision. I notice when something is wrong a lot quicker than before.

But I still feel disconnected because, while I may feel what is happening, I don't always understand why.

This results in a lot of unshared emotion being stored in my body when it needs to be released.

Emotions like deep sadness, anger, and fear.

I could say any one of them is the worst of the three, but I don't think that would get me anywhere. I don't wish to condemn these feelings, or stop feeling them altogether.

What I want is to be able to express them so that I stop storing them up and then experiencing a depressive episode because these emotions have not been given their time to be aired.

What happens when I store these emotions is they go into my body and become aches and pains. They go into my mind and become paranoia, irritation, and depression. They go into my emotions and become distrust, disconnection, overwhelm.

I find myself lashing out at those I love most (even if I am able to keep these outbursts to myself by fuming alone) and then immediately feeling guilty, which only adds to my discomfort.

I try to give these emotions space, but this is not something I have ever been taught. I vaguely remember feeling like I need to keep these emotions to myself - to squash them into some small, dark corner and push things on top so that no one can see the negative emotions.

But when something deemed as truly terrible happens, I feel that corner of the room shake, and things begin to fall. I am allowed to air these emotions for a short time - even if they are unbidden.

However, as soon as that event is over, I go back to keeping everything to myself. I speak out occasionally of depression, of discomfort. Perhaps I speak out more often than I am aware.

But that doesn't change anything because those emotions still feel stagnant and rotten within me.

***

I realised an hour ago that I have begun to distrust the workings of my body again, as I did years ago when I didn't know what chronic fatigue syndrome was. (Some would argue I still don't!)

Things have been happening that I don't understand - things that have made me truly fearful and quite alone.

Some part of me does not want to speak out about this because it might be taken as complaining, as whining. Deep down I feel that I don't speak about my health very often because it makes others uncomfortable, and what would be the point anyway? I do not want advice on drinking concoctions, or seeing certain medical professionals, or going to certain places (I would ask if I did). And yet, another part of me asks - what if you actually talk about it all the time and everyone is sick of hearing about it?

This (particularly nasty) part of myself has been present since I was about 11 years old. And I realise only now that this voice is the one that dictates most of how I act around others in my life. 

This voice is the one that forces me to hold back when asked 'how are you?' for fear of burdening others. The one that curses me for making a joke about my health around friends that are clearly not comfortable with my ill-health. The one that questions me on every single sentence that I put on this blog about myself and my life.

Even now I am still not convinced that writing about this will do any good. Or that this voice is fundamentally bad. Surely any voice that comes from within is only trying to look out for me? However misguided it's attempts.

***

This is not a blog post where I figure out how to deal with things. Because I am still learning. I am always learning - as is everyone. It doesn't have to be a voice that speaks to you about health - it could be a voice that whispers about the way you look, the way you act, or romantic attachments. A voice that questions you at each turn. A voice that asks you who YOU ARE to think that you can follow your dreams.

I am still learning. I am still figuring out how to let go of these emotions - to allow them to be expressed and stop taking up residence in my body. I don't want to be afraid of my own body any more.

I don't know if I will ever get to a space where I can feel comfortable with expressing all my emotions, but I'll always trust that I'll get there. I'll always work hard. And I'll always remember to look after myself along the way.

Love to all who read.
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