so simple

Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I have had mixed feelings about writing this post.
Ultimately I didn't want it to be disrespectful to anyone involved in what has recently happened.
But. Writing is my way out of the pain. At least. It's my way of dulling it slightly.

A family friend recently died. Taken quickly and suddenly out of his life. My pain from this occurrence is fairly minimal, as, while he was a large part of my life when I was younger, we hadn't seen him and his family with much regularity over the past few years. but I seem to be taking other people's pain on as my own.

I worry about my parents, and I try to just be there for them as much as I can. Because that's all I can do right now. But when I think about the pain that his family is going through.. 
My mum said something the other day, along the lines of this - 'For us, the pain will move through quicker and become something we can live with. But for them... to have to wake up every day and just acknowledge that he's still dead and he's not coming back...'

It has made me, and the people around me, more thankful for what they have in life. The night we found out, I cried. And Xin was there to put his arms around me. He didn't need to say anything, just hold me while I let the pieces go.
This has got me thinking about the petty feuds and problems going on in other families, and how it will all change if something sudden like this were to happen.

Over the last couple of days, I have said farewell to this friend, this adopted uncle, quite a few times. Through art, in my mind, and through my actions. And today, through my writing. I will always remember the quiet and calm way you had about you, and how you just seemed to glow with kindness every time I saw you. I will remember how you managed to make me feel calm, even without saying anything. I will remember the bow tie that you wore to my 21st, and how you greeted me with such joy and love that I remember all the time I had spent with your family in an instant. I will remember how you loved the sea, and I will not resent or become bitter because of your death, and I will do my best to emulate the kindness you showed towards everyone.

All my love.

Mini NaNoWriMo Update

Thursday, November 22, 2012
I have begun to speak in my character's voices under my breath, or make expressions with my own face so I can describe them more accurately in my story.

If this is insanity, I like it.

woah.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012
so I was just going through old bookmarks, as I do sometimes when I need a bit of inspiration, and I was reading through this post on the writer's 23 things to do before they're 23, and then it hit me...

I'm going to be 23 in about three months.

I mean, holy guacamole batman. I feel like I haven't quite had enough of being 22 because it's SUCH a beautiful number to be~ so three more months or so sounds okay.

but seriously.

okay, that's all I wanted to say.

love!

oH.

Monday, November 19, 2012
I am sitting at my computer, feeling generally more unwell than I have in quite awhile. My stomach is turning and hurting, my glands are pounding out some kind of salsa tempo in my throat, my head aches, and I'm finding it hard to think straight.
And I am supposed to be writing my allocated words for today - for NaNoWriMo. I have not missed a day since it started. That's HUGE. But, tonight, I feel sick and lost and like even the characters in my book are saying 'maybe it's time to rest?'

So, my solution was to log on here and write and think almost-out-loud for a little while.
When I get stomach aches, I instantly go through all the things that I have eaten in the last two days, lining them up and looking at them for anything that may have triggered this. I try not to think of the pain as punishment for eating something my body can't process well, but it's difficult. I enjoy food. And not eating so many different things is so hard. 
At this moment, I had an impulse to apologise to anyone who can't eat the things that I can. But you know what? I am not saying that people should feel sorry for me, nor am I saying that other people with less than me are better off, or anything like that. I am just presenting my case.

I want to ask an ask.
Magic.
I want to experience new magic in my life, during this time of self-decided rest. I want to see the clues, and remember that people out there (general expression for IN THE WORLD GENERALLY) do not think badly of me, nor do they not care. They just aren't in my life every day. They don't know what I deal with every day - they are busy with their own lives.
I want to move through the things that are plaguing me currently, and then find that place of magic, where joy and pleasure and reasons to go WHEE reside. And I want to remember what friendship means to me and what I need to do to move forward with that.

The qualities I want: Joy. Pleasure. Excitement. Rest. Rejuvenation. Wisdom. Love. Humour. Sparkles!

How this could happen: Something will happen. I believe that much. Where it will come from I'm not so sure.
I will be kind to myself, and gentle. I will try to allow my body it's process of processing what is happening, and I will commit to finding the joy in places of familiarity and warmth.
And I will remember that gentleness can come in so many forms and places. I will remember to accept help when it feels right, and not to indulge in silly ideas that they are only being offered out of obligation, but out of kindness, and love.

I feel that I might just write a little bit, and then put myself to bed. Love to all who read~

An important message..

Tuesday, November 13, 2012
http://keepittame.youngandwellcrc.org.au/

Above is a link to a interactive website and video that gives a bit of information on cyber-bullying. During my psychology degree, I spent some time looking at cyber-bullying and how it effects people, particularly younger people (here, I'm saying between the ages of about 12 to 26). I have seen these sorts of things happen to friends, people I know, or people I have had passing interactions with, and I have never liked them.
If someone puts a photo of themselves up that they find funny, okay sure. But if it's of someone else and they don't know what you're doing? Or if you comment on someone's photo or facebook in a negative way - even if you think 'it was just a joke' - it can be really hurtful. This is part of the reason why I don't have a facebook - aside from it's time-sucking habits.

Please have a look. I know many people who are beautiful souls that wouldn't hurt a fly, but perhaps there's someone you know that could benefit from this?

Love to all who read.

Chrysalis

Sunday, November 11, 2012
Dear Havi Brooks over at the Fluent Self blog (seriously, google her. She's amazing) needs her chrysalis time when she's preparing to welcome a new part of herself.
Gorgeous Leonie Dawson (also, super dooper amazing) needs her self-proclaimed sabbatical time to restore her inner well.

I have just felt this overwhelming urge to proclaim that this week will be a preparation, or a reparation week for me. I have been going through some uncomfortable emotional stuff, whilst also sorting through all of these old things and making room for new. I think I need time to just pamper myself, renew myself, and remind myself who I am and what I want.
Next weekend, Xin and I are going away to a wonderfully forested place to celebrate our fifth year of being together. (Yes, five years - really!) I am so excited about this and want it to be wonderfully restorative for both of us.

My writing has been going well, and I feel like I'm really learning and experiencing what it's like to do my dream job. It's definitely challenging at times, but I enjoy it so much. Currently hovering just under 17000 words :D

While my health has been playing up a little more lately, I am committed to supporting my body and my mind while I go through whatever is affecting me right now.

So, for the next week, I will be on 'healing' mode. Lots of yoga and maybe even some swimming! Good foods, good drinks, and lots of books.

Sending love to those who read.

My Wallpaper

Thursday, November 8, 2012
It actually changes pictures regularly, but this is my favourite.


Also...

Wednesday, November 7, 2012
A blog post I wrote for Tune In Not Out went live today. It took a lot of effort and a lot of emotional energy to write, I hope you have a look.

http://www.tuneinnotout.com/blog/surviving-suicide/

Just a little something...

...that Xin sent me.


When things just don't feel right.

Monday, November 5, 2012
I have had many instances of thinking everything is going just dandy and then finding out that, actually, I don't feel so great.
This is something I've had to come to terms with. Sometimes, when I organise to go out and have a meal with friends, I end up finding that I am too nauseous to eat anything.
Occasionally, when I make plans to spend a day out with my boyfriend, I find I am too exhausted to get up.
These thing happen - more than I'd care to admit. And sometimes it gets to me, and other times I just keep trucking on.
If you come across me at certain times, I am grumpy. And this could be for multiple reasons, but more often than not it's because I have had enough of whatever symptom I have been dealing with lately.

And let me tell you, it is so difficult to keep going sometimes when you feel like people just want to gloss over what you've been experiencing for so long. There is a time for optimism - and I think of myself as a generally optimistic person - but when I am tired, sick, and just over being these things, I am not likely to react well to optimism. Xin has learnt over the years that during these times I just need cuddles, warmth (usually), and rest. I need love and understanding.
And I don't want to sound like I am pulling for sympathy, or that I in any way think the people in my life aren't doing everything they can for me, but sometimes, for others, life goes on. And for me? It feels stuck. As if I have died and I am not allowed to pass to the afterlife, nor am I allowed to fully return to the world of the living. I am in limbo.

I find that, as I write this, I am becoming more emotional. The most recent question I had about my actual condition was at least a month ago and, while that's okay, at the same time it's upsetting. And when people ask how I'm going (and genuinely want to know the answer) I find myself getting worked up as I realise just what I deal with on a daily basis. It is amazing what you can get used to. Pain, sickness, tiredness. It is all assimilated. 
I by no means want to paint a picture of suffering for you - on the contrary, the last few weeks I have been enjoying more energy, more health, more joy than I have in some time. I have been picking up new hobbies, heck, I started writing a new book! But that doesn't make it all go away. And there's still times when I turn around needing some respect, some cuddles, some general comment on how I've been doing.

I think part of the reason why people don't know what to say to me when I need understanding is because I don't let people near me when I'm particularly ill. I think, apart from medical staff, I have only allowed my boyfriend, my parents, and my brother to see me at my worst. And my best friend may have seen something resembling it once. I don't fully know what that's about or why I do it, but there you go.

I don't really know how to finish this post, but I feel I need to pull away and go back to writing my book now. Love to all who read.

NaNoWriMo

Thursday, November 1, 2012
Hello all!!

It's been a little while since I last wrote, so here I am!! I'm just writing a quick post because I have some more writing to do for today, and then I promised I'd make lunch for my boyfriend (I'm on a huge cooking kick lately...).

Just a quick note to say I have decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year! If you don't know much about it, basically it stands for National Novel Writing Month and it takes place every November. The objective is to write a 50,000 word novel in a single month! I always wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, so here I go!! I've already started, so I'm enjoying it so far :D

I just want to tell as many people as possible so that people will hold me to my word, and keep me writing. So, if you are able, please ask me how I'm going with it, send me tea and supportive messages, whatever! Just keep me writing!!

Lots of love to everyone ^___^ P.S. if you want my email for sending little notes, please just ask in the comments below! 
All content owned by Bethwyn Walker unless otherwise stated. Powered by Blogger.

books | chronic illness | lifestyle | wellbeing

Powered by Blogger.
Back to Top