Losing focus.

Sunday, July 29, 2012
Lately I've been feeling very emotional, mixed in with a dose of nothingness.
The nothingness, though it would normally come from being depressed, is because my health is still on the decline and I spend a lot of time blankly staring at nothing and trying to keep warm.
The emotions, particularly today, have been harder to deal with. Normally I am able to realise where the emotions are coming from and make my peace with them, or at least realise when worrying about it is futile.


But lately I just feel that finding the strength to do that is a bit too difficult, so I'm just trying to continue through life as best I can.


Something I have realised during this time is that sitting down and talking to people close to me about how I'm feeling (not in a complaint kind of way, but more in a way of explaining how I'm feeling), they often come up with things that I had not noticed at first. Perhaps that I am spending too much time worrying about the future instead of focusing on the present - something I am tending to do too much lately.


Putting time into friendships and relationships, even when you're feeling low and lost, is truly an invaluable thing.


Love to all who read <3

Just for a little giggle.

Friday, July 27, 2012
Ahaha Darren Hayes - one of my adorations. He filmed this in response to a tweeter on Twitter (say that five times fast) talking about singing part of I Want You in one breath. Ah he makes me smile.



Thought Spill.

Thursday, July 26, 2012
This week I have really noticed a decline in my overall energy and motivation to get things done. My health is declining rapidly and I am taking steps to support my body as much as possible.


Unfortunately this means sacrificing a lot - today it meant that I had to more or less remain in a position of a horizontal nature for the majority of the day, just to have enough energy to get myself out the door and to work for a later four hour shift.


Tomorrow, I have only given myself an hour of work (contact time) with some additional work from home if my body can manage it.


I hope also to have a bit of energy to do washing and generally clean up before the weekend hits.


Here are the things bringing me joy and love lately:

  • A Joanna Lumley audiobook - written and read by her. She is amazing.
  • Bed. Oh glorious bed.
  • My boyfriend and his amazing love and support. I am so grateful.
  • My best friend and his efforts to reconnect with me and make me feel loved. So much joy and appreciation there.
  • My parents - my dad who gave me listerine when my mouth suddenly filled with about five ulcers (immune system saying HEY), my mum for making me fried rice to take to work today. love.
  • Bronte and her silly antics.
  • Books. Research on my conditions. Computers.
  • My blog - and my readers. I can't tell you the joy it brings me to see that people are reading my posts. Wow.
  • Thermals. Oh my goodness being warm is AMAZING.

Time for me to settle down and rest. Love to all who read <3

Book Review: At my French Table

Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I read widely and voraciously. I love fantasy and sci-fi, but also relationships, non-fiction, romance, historical fiction, and classics.
I spend a lot of time reading, so I thought I'd share some of my finds with you.
As with my tea reviews, feel free to ask me to review a book in the comments! <3

At my French Table: Food, family and joie de vivre in a corner of Normandy
by Jane Webster




initial thoughts: Oh my goodness is this book beautiful. The photography, the food, the pages, even the font! It all makes for an amazing reading experience. The colours and the words that Webster uses to describe the food and the places she visits just make me breathe a huge sigh of happiness.

story: This book centres around the author and her decision (along with her husband and four kids) to head on over to Normandy in France and set up a cooking course of sorts. The story mainly revolves around learning how to adopt the French way of life, and the efforts on the family's half of restoring their chateau - a five floor beauty.

my opinion: This book was a breeze to read, and I found myself physically relaxing into the story (strange image, sorry about that!). I could pour of the photography for hours, and the story is so beautiful and tantalising that I really enjoyed reading this. I initially just borrowed it to look through the pictures (as I can't really eat the food!), but I ended up reading it cover to cover. This book has had some amazing reviews, and a few less amazing ones. I think the problem that many of the latter readers are having is that they bought or borrowed the book for it's recipes. Don't get me wrong, the recipes are amazing, but there aren't very many of them. The thing is, I don't think that's the right way of going about it with this one. This is not a cookbook, really, but a sharing of experiences and joys in food. One should pick it up and read it as such. If you feel called to cook one or two (or all!) of the meals, go for it! But the story is as succulent as the recipes, so don't discount it for having a small number of recipes.

Overall rating: 4 out of 5 bookmarks. If you take this book as it is, and don't attach any expectations of it being a five-star cookbook with multiple recipes bursting at the seams, you will truly enjoy it. The photography alone is amazing!


Cravings

Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Every now and then I have some serious cravings. And it doesn't matter if I've just polished off a whole three course meal - I CRAVE.
Lately the thing I've been craving is Chocolate Creme Oreos. And oh my goodness am I craving them.


My overall theory on cravings is this - if I've wanted it for more than a few hours, and nothing else has sated it, I will give in. The thing is, I don't know why, but my body is seriously craving something in that specific item (probably sugar. XD) and it won't give me any decent rest until I eat as much as it needs. And then after that I probably won't eat that item for half a year.
I have some seriously strange ideas when it comes to food and dieting - I'm aware of this. A lot of it comes from being sick so often that I feel a deserve a break gosh darnit! XD If I want Chocolate Oreos I'M GOING TO EAT CHOCOLATE OREOS.


I've had people in the past trying to make me stop eating my craved item, and that makes me feel a bit bad - often the item is not that great for me or not in my specific health-diet, and so people give me those looks (you know THOSE looks) and ask me 'wouldn't I prefer something else?' or 'are you sure you should be doing that?' and that sort of thing.


Excuse me, but it's my body. And I am not interested in ruining my body or my health - not in the slightest. But if I'm craving something, I'm going to eat it. I know what emotional eating is, and I'm hyper-vigilant on that (I have done it in the past), so please don't tell me what I should or should not be eating unless you are one of my doctors. (Even they get on my nerves a bit sometimes :P.)


I guess what I'm trying to say is... tomorrow I'm gonna buy me some oreos.

Dagnabit. :D









Love to all who read! <3

Sometimes you just have a bad day.

Monday, July 23, 2012
You can go to bed early the night before, filled with hope and dreams. But then wake up the following day feeling kinda grumpy, a bit defeated, and just pretty blah.


Some days it's just that little bit harder for me to deal with certain things. Like having brain fog when I want to read about planning and dreams. Or being told by my doctor that I'll most likely not be entitled to the Disability Pension which I was kinda hoping for. Or just feeling like no one is really taking my illness into account with anything and feeling worse than ever, and just wanting a week where I can get back to a point where I can think without it hurting my head.


Little things start to bug you. Like your dog growling at you because you're trying to get a piece of plastic out of her mouth because you're petrified of her choking on it. Or accidentally walking into things about ten times over. Or a friend making you feel like perhaps ignoring them would be the healthier option.


But throughout all this, there are things to hold on to. I promise you. Sometimes you just need to take a little bit more care of yourself, like listening to audiobooks instead of trying to read with sore eyes. Or snuggling up with a cup of delicious tea. Or just dreaming a bit more about what you'd like to do with your blog ^_~. 


I went to the library today to borrow out some books to help me with some work stuff I need to do this week, and I decided to grab a few more things - some books for furthering my dreams, a book of haiku, and a french cookbook. I can't actually eat most of the food, but I love to look at the pictures and read the stories behind the food - these are the things that make me feel truly calm again.


Here are some things that help me when I'm having a bad day:

  • Cuddling my dog (even when she growls at me about plastic chokables.)
  • Reading a good book, or re-reading one I love.
  • Going to the library
  • Talking to my beloved
  • Journalling
  • Doodling and drawing! Experimenting with paint!
  • Preparing a cup of tea - everything from being mindful of the water boiling, to choosing the tea, to getting the right amount and choosing the perfect mug, cup, or teapot!
  • Online window-shopping ^_~
  • Brainstorming things I want to do (anytime!)
  • Incidentally, blogging!
  • Grabbing my camera and shooting some photos from random angles - down on the floor! Standing on a chair or a table! JUMPING.
  • Putting on some music and dancing~
  • Meditating
  • Taking some time out to read one of my favourite blogs, or re-read a favourite post from a blog :)
Even when you're having the worst day ever, being mindful and bringing your thoughts back to what is happening RIGHT NOW (in my case: girl, sitting in a desk chair, typing on her computer!) can be really great at just shocking you out of that downward spiral.

Bronte says: Just chill, man.

Sometimes taking silly pictures in a cat hat is what you need. (Kudos to my friend Willow of Syndark Designs for making the awesome cat hat!)

[P.S. these photos are now a couple of months old... I need to take some new ones to illustrate my points better! XD]

Love to all who read!

Chickening: Talking and Moving Forward

Okay, so a little late... A lot late. But still chickening on!


the hard stuff.


SICKSICKSICK
So it turned out I wasn't JUST experiencing my usual CFS symptoms, but a sinus infection too. Wheeee! Antibiotics to the rescue!! (Sort of.) This meant more time off work.


DIFFICULT DECISIONS
That led to difficult conversations.


FUTURE? I CAN HAZ ONE?
A lot of paranoia and sadness around this. Old stuff coming up for me that I didn't really want to interact with. Hard.


TRYING TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING
And still not sure I do. Pain here too. Maybe difficult decisions and conversations coming up here.


the good stuff.


NOT CRAZY
I AM sick and oh my goodness people believe me!


PERSONAL POWER
Well hi there lovely! Feeling comfortable in being myself and drawing my boundaries.


BOUNDARIES
I HAVE THEM. THIS IS AMAZING.


DREAMS
And dreaming them and moving towards making them come trueee!~


LOVE
Oh so much connection and love and joy. And possibilities! Oh love you are still so amazing.


HOPE
Cannot express how much this means to me. Silent retreat, but with big happy heart sigh.




Love to all who read <3

Tea Review: English Breakfast [T2 and Twinings]

Sunday, July 22, 2012
So, here's the deal. I love tea. I love how it can help with an upset tummy, soothe a sore throat, put you to sleep or pep you up. It can even just be a general calmer. 
In Tea Reviews I will give you a few details of the tea, an overall rating, and some thoughts. If you see something you like, I encourage you to go and try the tea yourself! I'll often try and let you know where you can buy it or provide a link.
Enjoy!
(Psst! If you want me to review a specific tea, just comment and let me know! If you can provide a sample, that would be great too! <3)


English Breakfast

(Image Source: 1)

Initial thoughts: I might find it hard to play the impartial tea reviewer with this one because I have been drinking English Breakfast for as long as I can remember. This is such a comforting tea for me, especially with sugar and milk.

Taste: English Breakfast has often been described as having a strong flavour, but this isn't over-assertive (provided you don't steep for too long). The flavour is a little astringent, but comforting. When served with milk and sugar, it tastes almost caramel-like to me. 

Colour: A deep caramel.

Recommendations and thoughts: As this is a black tea it doesn't require the finicky water temperature that green teas do - 100 degrees Celsius is perfect. You can drink this black, with sugar, with milk - whatever suits your tastes. It can stand to be brewed for a few minutes, but unless you love extremely strong teas, I recommend not leaving it for too long. This tea is great with breakfast (as indicated by the name), but also in the afternoon as a pick-me-up.

Overall rating: 3.5 out of 5 cups. I find this tea to be such a comfort to me because of my past experiences, but I find it can be a bit overwhelming at certain times. A great tea nonetheless.

Price: Depending on the brand, you can find this tea just about anywhere. Twinings is a great company to go for, as is T2, but go for what tastes good to you. I personally prefer the loose leaf tea (how critical of me..) but tea bags are great too. You can usually get a small box of tea bags from your local supermarket for a few dollars.

VPA: Getting in touch with the Universe

This is about being okay with the want.
And this is fine. This is where I make the space that I need to ask the Universe to provide certain things, if at all possible. This is where we make ze magicks.
Thanks always goes to Havi Brooks of The Fluent Self Blog for coming up with beautiful rituals for self-expression.


thing one: blankets
I have been in dire need of blanket-y goodness lately. For my bed (I get damn cold), and also for the back of my car and my dad's car (for protection and general awesome).


I've been thinking these could come to me via op-shops, but I'm definitely thinking something cheap or (if possible) free. Just putting the ask out there.


thing two: clarity
I realise I ask for this a lot in VPAs... I tend to go through a lot of problems where I analyse and analyse, but I just can't seem to come up with the real and true reason why something is happening/bothering me.
And there is a situation that has been going round and round lately and I need to stop the cycle of draining. It's too much and I end up deeply hurt and confused each time it turns. Something has got to give here.


I'm not sure how this could happen, but I have an idea of how to make a move forward (silent retreat on that). Gentle friendship and warm fuzzies would help.


thing three: connection
because of the above situation, I have been particularly wary and confused when it comes to friendship and connecting with people lately. (Though, granted, I think I've had a bit of trouble trusting people for some time now.)
I would like to move through this and have some gentle catch-ups with lovely people. There are quite a few of these people in my life, but it takes a specific mix of courage, love, and wellness before I am able to set things up.


I'm not sure how this could work, but I am sending loving wishes out there to the relevant people. I think I might send some letters. (ps: I love receiving mail!!)


thing four: learning
I am in a place of learning more about  a topic very close to my heart: Buddhism. And I want to find books and resources that I can use for this study.


I'll play with meditation and some research, and see what I come up with <3


updates since last time
Well, first I wanted flowww so I could move through my Uni work, and I managed to get that! I felt fairly okay moving through things at my own pace.
Secondly, I wanted clarity. Obviously I am re-asking that, but with that particular problem I think I've moved forward.
Thirdly, I had a problem on which I called silent retreat, and...I can't actually remember what that was. But I'm feeling a lot better about it, so yay for moving forward!




Love to all who read <3

Learning to step into your own power.

Saturday, July 21, 2012
Hi people,


The last few days for me (in fact, this entire week) has been pretty crazy in a way. I have been tested a few times and really had to keep coming back to a place of power.
When you have a chronic illness or you're going through a period of feeling really sick or dealing with a condition of some sort that people can't really see, there's this huge temptation to get angry and self-righteous with people when you feel like you're not being listened to. You feel the need to stomp your feet and (in my case) constantly remind people that you are always tired, and you're always feeling pretty damned sick. Little tantrums aren't too far away at this point.


And yet you still get this little voice in the back of your mind saying it isn't anyone's fault that you're feeling so icky, and so you shouldn't be trying to place fault on other people for what you're experiencing. Even if you're not being heard, the only person that really needs to believe you is YOU. I cannot stress this enough.
If I'm feeling sick and I know I need to rest, then that's the end of it. There is no 'but maybe this person feels they need to take care of me' or 'but they don't UNDERSTAND how sick I'm feeling!'. It's just 'I am sick and I need to go lie down for awhile'. This is hard to maintain at times - especially when you're caught up in expectations and responsibilities and all that other stuff involved in reality. But the very very basic fact of the matter is that we cannot care for others without first caring for ourselves. If you continue to care for others and just keep giving and giving without ever replenishing your reserves, you're going to run dry pretty quickly. And believe me, running dry of inspiration and wisdom and all those good things - it doesn't feel too fantastic.




I hope you'll excuse me now because there's something else I'd like to talk about. Towards the end of last year I was kind of in a panicky stage (fairly similar to how I've been feeling lately, although now I know where to look when I'm feeling lost). It was a time when I wasn't sure I was doing anything decent with my life, and I wasn't sure that having a future was a possibility for me.
I'd love to tell you that I fixed everything up myself through the beauty of love and faith, but that's only partly true. My friends and my family were there for me, but I needed an extra push to help me through.


That's where a little workbook came in for me. It came from a gorgeous woman who is so comfortable with her spirituality and so motivated by her personal business that she truly inspires me. This is something very special to me that I am sharing with you. Using the workbook and planner, I was able to remember the amazing things I had done in 2011, and plan towards my dreams in 2012. And now I'm halfway through the year and I'm feeling the need to pull it out again and remember the joy I felt from using it.
I was lucky enough that my partner, Xin, graciously purchased it for me (after I raved about it and lusted after it for a few days). I had been reading Leonie's blog for a little while by then, and was convinced that whatever she was on, I wanted some. And from her I was able to open up to possibilities again. And that's so important to me, especially with my world getting a little smaller again lately.






Anyway, if you'd like to take a look, please head on over here and check it out. (psst: while I know it's called a "Goddess workbook" and seems a little feminine, don't judge a book by it's cover. this has been such an invaluable resource for me and I cannot recommend it enough <3 :)) I also recommend checking out Leonie's blog (sparkle sparkle!) as I still get an amazing amount of inspiration from her and her love of life.


Anyway, tomorrow I'll be back with another tea review and maybe a book review as well. This week is hopefully going to be a little lighter on me, so I'm hoping to throw myself into the blog a little more so everyone can find something they like!


Love to all who read <3

Tea Review: Snow Dragon Jasmine [T2]

Tuesday, July 17, 2012
So, here's the deal. I love tea. I love how it can help with an upset tummy, soothe a sore throat, put you to sleep or pep you up. It can even just be a general calmer. 
In Tea Reviews I will give you a few details of the tea, an overall rating, and some thoughts. If you see something you like, I encourage you to go and try the tea yourself! I'll often try and let you know where you can buy it or provide a link.
Enjoy!
(Psst! If you want me to review a specific tea, just comment and let me know! If you can provide a sample, that would be great too! <3)


Snow Dragon Jasmine

(Picture source from T2 link found below)


Initial thoughts: I could drink so much of this. In fact, I DID drink so much of this. My taste-testing pot was refilled after it was emptied.
This tea is so gentle and tender that I loved the very first sip.


Taste: Snow Dragon Jasmine has a very light flavour that is comforting and sits on the tip of your tongue quite gently. It has a very soft bitterness to it that a lot of green teas have, but this only serves to enhance the restful quality of the jasmine. Overall, it is very refreshing and pleasant.


Colour: This tea brews to a very very soft yellow, almost clear. When you brew it too strong, the flavours of the green tea come through more prominently, which isn't a problem for green tea lovers, but can be off-putting for those not accustomed to the bitter flavour.


Recommendations and thoughts: As with many green teas, I would try not to put boiling water on this tea. I'm lucky enough to have a kettle that heats to multiple different temperatures, including 80 degrees - the perfect temperature for delicate green teas. Don't steep for too long if you can avoid it (I must admit to being forgetful with my tea sometimes and letting it steep for way too long).
This tea evokes thoughts of sitting on a picnic blanket, perhaps in a kimono, while cherry blossoms gently place themselves all around you on the ground. A cup of peace.


Overall rating: 4.5 out of 5 teacups. I didn't award full marks for this one simply because the bitterness of the green tea flavour may be off-putting to some drinkers. Also the price is a little hard to reach.


Price: I was lucky enough to get a sample of this from T2 for my own pleasure, but they do sell it for $26 for a 50g box. It may sound a little steep, but this is a very high quality tea, and, I would say, worth every penny.


Source: T2
Find it here.

Finding my feet.

Monday, July 16, 2012
You're going to see a lot of kittens observing feet.


Anyway. After much thought and deliberation, I thought it was time that this blog had a main purpose behind it, instead of just being my odd ramblings. (Although those are always awesome so I may still do them occasionally ^_~)


Rest has always been a main feature in my life, ever since I started getting sick. I've had to learn how to rest properly instead of going 'Yes I'll rest... but doing a load of washing can't hurt. I'm home anyway.' I understand that people do this, it's just my body doesn't quite work that way. And I know I'm not the only one.


My main passions in life have been writing, reading, tea, and comfy clothes (I have a serious addiction to pyjamas. They're amazing.). All things I've associated with resting (aside from the writing which is just always there, regardless of whether I'm resting or not).


So now, that's what my business will be about. I will post reviews of books I've been reading or have read, I will review teas as well (this will hopefully get me to branch out of just having T2, I love them so much...). I may even post some writing on Buddhism and how I use certain meditation practices to get through pain, sickness, and loneliness.



For so long now, I have felt like I've been bumped from job to job, illness to illness, and passion to passion like a hot potato. I am tired of fighting against my illness, and I'm tired of other people making me feel like having this illness is a failing of mine. Western society seems to dictate that I either push myself at a job until I burn out entirely, or I be swept under the carpet. I want to work WITH my illness to find a lifestyle that suits me. I need more rest than your average worker, and I get sick a lot more often. But why should that mean that I am neglected?

My writing has always been my way of getting through the tough times, and celebrating the good times. I love writing, and I am going to use this passion to step into my future, whatever it may bring.


It is time that I moved forward with everything, and stop worrying about work and pushing myself beyond my limits. I am ridiculously scared of the next chapter of my life, but that also brings excitement. So here we go.


If you enjoy any of my posts, please comment and let me know! This is a new venture for me and I  would really love your input.


Love to all who read <3

Belated Friday Chicken: I am so damn tired.

Sunday, July 15, 2012
lets do this thing. (though I can't believe a whole other week starts tomorrow and I SO don't feel ready for that at all...)


the hard stuff.


DEPRESSED
Depression made a cursory visit at the beginning of this week, and I had minimal resources to help me say 'please have a cup of tea and then be on your way'. Hard.


LONELY
Oh so much stuff coming up. Xin was away on camp and uncontactable, my best friend has stuff of his own to deal with so no contact there, went back to missing people that I've had to say goodbye to so many times. So much lonely and pain.


SICK
So much stuff coming up, and my body just really saying NO to a lot of things. Work has been great about me not being able to come in, though that opens up a whole other kettle of fish of guilt and awkward and sadness. My body still doesn't seem to know what it's sick with, but it's throwing everything at me. I am almost convinced that my minimal fibromyalgia is coming back and I don't know how to deal with that.
So much pain and sadness around this. Silent retreat on a lot of it.


TRYING TO FIND A NEW PATH
And feeling like I'm already destined for failure.


DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Oh wow this brought up so much hurt. Trying to figure out why I react the way I do to certain things, trying to work through the pain so it doesn't hurt as much anymore. So much stuck. Old patterns coming up.




the good stuff.
PRESENTS
for me! I have been planning little presents for future me and I love past me for thinking of them! Past me rocks.


SUPPORT
Coming from different directions. Finding a friend to lean on who DIDN'T MIND BEING LEANED ON. This kind of blew my mind a little and has led to one or two happy heart sighs.


SOLACE
At an event I desperately needed a place away from the noise and the crazyness, and a friend provided it. I am so grateful. Deep deep thanks.


FUTURE!
Despite being freaking terrified, I am also super excited to be trying to follow my dreams. Yay having dreams.


GRATEFUL
This week has made me realise things that I'm super grateful for. Like Xin, and tea, and books, and Ben 10! And... big warm fuzzy jumpers!


PROSPECTS
Silent retreat on this one but it has something to do with working through my stuck. Equally excited and scared.


LEARNING
I am learning to trust my body and my instincts a bit better. My intuition has been a bit beaten around lately and I am trying to get her to start talking again.








I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit too exhausted to write much more, but you get the idea :) Love to all who read <3

Oh!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Guys! My blog is over 2000 page views! and this is my 150th post!! How crazy is that?!
Thank you so much to everyone who reads. I'm still finding my feet and my drive in this blogging world, but I hope some day to use it as a part of my own business, or something like that  :D


I have had a couple of interesting days - my health hasn't been great so I've had to take a bit more time off work. I've been feeling a bit lost in my desire to strike out on my own and actually have my own career that fills me with joy, instead of guilt and paranoia. I am so ready to work from home and to live to my truest potential - even if I'm not entirely sure how to do that.


I've realised recently that my image of my future has a lot to do with my writing and my passion for reading. I want to write book reviews and be paid to do so. I want to keep working on my books (I have started quite a few, including a fantasy and a personal story this week). I want to have a job where I can work from home, and maybe a casual job where I can go out into the world maybe once or twice a week to support myself and connect.


I've been labouring under the misapprehension that following your dreams is something utterly selfish and horrible (at least, for me). But the thing is, if you meet someone who is so very happy with what they do, they spread the happiness. They try to help others to reach their dreams too.


And a world of people following their dreams and helping each other? That sounds pretty special.


I may not always remember why I'm doing it, and it's going to be a lot of work, but right now, this is what I want. I think it's what I need. To believe in myself.

trusting the universe.

Sunday, July 8, 2012
I'm going to put a big ask out there because I need to believe that things are going to get a bit easier for me. That may be selfish or what have you, but I'm okay with that.


I want my own place. Where I can live with Xin happily and we can support ourselves without too much drama.
I want a decent paying job that I can work from home, that doesn't tax my body or cause me to have mini panic attacks about twice a week.
I want to feel more supported and connected with people that I love. This is something that I'm working on, as I'm aware that I have a tendency to distance myself and not trust as easily as I once did.
I want to write. I want to feel passion for what I do again, and to feel that gentle happiness at being able to do something I'm actually good at, and love doing. I want my writing to be my meal ticket.


I know that every journey starts with a single step, and that most of this won't happen without my input, but right now I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse. I am putting one foot in front of the other and trying to focus on breathing. And that's all I can manage aside from disappearing into the fictional worlds of books.


love to all who read.

Perhaps I spend too much time in my head.

But I'm not going to change who I am for anyone else.


My choices remain my own. If something seems right to me, and my intuition quietly says 'yes', then I will go after it. 


Sometimes I am thrown by the amount of change I am subjected to. I have been putting on a brave face for so long that it just feels normal now. Fake it til you make it - when it comes to confidence and energy, this does work the majority of the time.


But now others don't understand when I say that I push myself every day. Every single day. Some days it's easier than others.


Lately I feel like I tell this to people and they nod their heads with the right amount of sympathy in their eyes. And then we move on to another topic and it's like it flits right out of their brain. The last thing I want to do is become someone that complains about their illness all the time and how everything is the heaviest weight on their shoulders - so why do I keep turning to that?


I had gotten to a point of accepting my illness, as welcoming it as a part of me because that's what I needed to do to survive. And now? It feels like I'm trying to make the right choice for my body and move forward to a place where my body is rested and healthy, and others are pulling me back with complaints of 'but what if you isolate yourself from the world entirely?' and 'you are NOT your illness'. Yes. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate that you care about me and you're trying to help, but when it comes to the end of everything, to the end of all your complaints and suggestions about how to see my world, I am the one who will make the decision.


And I'm tired. I am so very tired right now.

Seeing the silver lining.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Okay, so today didn't start so great.
It seems I may have caught my mum's cold, which is making my head pound and, interestingly, messing with my poor stomach. I woke up feeling ickified, but I still got ready for work. I was about to leave when my best friend rang - I had messaged him earlier.

I called him back and he instantly realised I was sick, and became pretty adamant that I listen to my body and stay home.


I still carry a lot of guilt about needing to stay home so often - especially with a new boss that I want to help out. I keep worrying he's going to fire me, but then realise that I'd just try and find something else. It's confusing and painful to think about.


Anyway, my best friend made his case, and I definitely agreed with him. I started organising to stay home. But then I had to go in anyway to meet with an IT guy. XD I was at work for half an hour, but it was enough that when I got home I felt so awful.
Throat hurting, head pounding, nausea, exhausted - the works.
I lay down on the couch to read and ended up sleeping for about two hours. (NTS: when sick, my body craves sleep even more than usual.)


The day kind of got better from there. I finished two books I've been reading for awhile today, two new tops I won arrived in the mail, my results came out (two distinctions and a high distinction), and a possible amazing thing came along that I promptly responded to.


Right now, I'm a bit worried about work tomorrow and how I'm going to be feeling. I want to go in if I can, but not if it means infecting people or getting worse. I'm trying not to worry too much though :3


I'm a bit scared of my future right now. I've realised partly what I want, and that doesn't really fit with my current line of work. I don't want to leave them high and dry, though, plus I want to keep earning money. And I like my job - I really do. There's so much rushing through my head and my heart lately...


What's your silver lining today? <3

Poem (because I can).

Tuesday, July 3, 2012
A tendency toward the melancholy
A feeling of being lost
Be aware of your feelings
Be aware of your boundaries
See where the limits lie
See where the light will emerge


Learn something about your emotional alphabet.

three posts in one day...

Monday, July 2, 2012
Okay, I know. A lot of posts. But seriously, I love this man, and you need to read this.


All. The. Way. Through. ...Really.


You get me through.

After reading this, I started thinking about 15-year-old me. And I realised I just want to give her a big hug, because she's in the middle of a load of tough things. There's so much happening and she's just trying to maintain who she is. So, Bethwyn? It's okay. It's going to be awesome. <3


Taken 2004/2005

watch.

If I ever meet this man, I will tell him what a big influence he's had on my life. I admire him so much.


enjoy.

keeping dreams alive

sometimes it's tough to remember why you're doing what you're doing. you get involved in a job or pick up some basic work just to get an income while you figure out how to make your dreams come alive, and then a few months (or years) later you sit back and try to remember what those dreams were in the first place.
days meld together and soon you don't remember when it was that you started imagining this job as your lifestyle. dreams seem so far away.


because I am prone to depression and anxiety, sometimes thoughts like the above can overwhelm me. I feel like maybe I'll never get to do what I really want to, or that all this 'brain fog' that comes with my conditions will stop me from ever moving forward, only backward. It has been years since my tentative diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome, and I'm closing in on a year since I began seeing a naturopath.


In the past year, I have written about chronic illness, depression, and mental health on a blog called Tune In Not Out, I have started and stopped writing so many times I can't even count, I have started a new job and a new degree, I have graduated from an old degree and wondered whether I would ever go back to it. I have made the decision that things can't move forward until I put some serious thought into what 'forward' is going to look like. I have discovered things about myself, and realised that I may have a lot more reservations about social situations than I first thought.


And yet, I am still putting one foot in front of the other. I'm getting up every day (a novel experience) and setting out for work each day that my body allows me such a luxury. I am always trying to encourage an optimistic viewpoint, and am actively learning about spirituality and what that means to me.


and you know what? I think I deserve a few hugs for that. When I look back on where I've come from to what I'm doing now, I'm so proud of myself. And sometimes, yes, I get frustrated that I don't get recognition from others of how much effort I put into each and every day. Some days, getting up feels like a most ridiculous task, and yet I'm still doing it (granted, some days I get up and then end up going back to bed, but hey, still counts!).


Think about what you've been doing lately. What can you give yourself hugs for? Making uncomfortable calls? Making decisions? Never giving up? Whatever it is - well done! I am so happy for you and so proud. Because each day can be an adventure, a blessing, and a joy. You just have to see it. <3


Love to all who read <3

secret writer.

Sunday, July 1, 2012
I have read so many things about artists and writers and how people don't tend to see themselves as such unless they are successful. I've read that everyone is an artist as soon as they are born (thanks Leonie Dawson), and I have taken this similarly with writing.


I can call myself a writer. I'm a writer. There you go. But I don't tell people that I write very often. I don't write every day, but it is such a big part of my identity and the way I perceive myself. I have always thought that my writing would be part of my future career and livelihood. There has always been a little voice inside me that said 'writing will be a part of you forever'. But I don't know how to integrate it.


I am at a crossroads, and it's leaving me confused. I am considering so many things and fighting a lot of demons. I am clutching at peace and learning so much from myself and from so many things in my life.


But, even with all these things happening in my life, I have the hope that something good is coming out of this. I am still enjoying the journey.


Sorry about the disjointed post - as you can tell, there's a lot going through my brain. I'm just going to ride the unicorn and see how I go ^_~


Love to those who read <3

read.

I think I may print this out and frame it on every wall I look at frequently.


there may be a longer post later. not sure. <3
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