Sunday, May 13, 2012
Lately I have been losing at the coping game. The things that usually bring me comfort have not been doing so. I have felt the loom of the cloud of depression, and the thunder rolling in suggesting anxiety and panic.
I have been closer to panic attacks than I care to admit. My body and it's hard-won immune system are showing definite signs of collapse. I know that I should be resting - I KNOW that I should be moving through all my ick and stuck, but there are a few reasons why I can't just yet.
1) semester one of uni will be over in about two weeks. if I can hold on til then and get everything done, that would be great. the fact that I'm working at the same time is say the least. but I'm trying.
2) I can't figure out what is really bothering me. I feel like I'm in the labyrinth of my mind, hunting and hunting for the cause of the storms, and I'm just too tired to keep going, but I try anyway. I am close to burnout.
3) I am finding it hard to let go of things. (well, harder than I did find it before.) I did not mention this yesterday because I thought I could let it go, but I saw the x-rays of my spine for the first time yesterday. The images were... alarming. I went into shock for a good hour or so. My chiropractor said that I do have scoliosis - something we always thought possible, but were never sure of - but most of it is compacted into the lower part of my spine. If I had a corresponding upper twist, I would be having trouble breathing, etc., because of my spine. Nevertheless, just looking at the image of my lower back made me want to cry. I didn't realise it was so bad.
4) I'm feeling sick, angry, and, occasionally, ignored. This is mostly a reflection of my inner power going all wonky. The sickness is because I'm pushing my body too hard, but I don't know how to stop right now. I'm beginning to forget things... which is really bothering me. I've forgotten two or three major things in the past week... and when I remembered them I would swear and near on have a panic attack. 

I do notice how this is all sounding - close to burnout, need a break, can't keep going. But I haven't quite figured out how to move through all this in a way that is going to be empowering and rejuvenating for me. So I'm just going to wait until the way reveals itself.


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