Lately I have been losing at the coping game. The things that usually bring me comfort have not been doing so. I have felt the loom of the cloud of depression, and the thunder rolling in suggesting anxiety and panic.
I have been closer to panic attacks than I care to admit. My body and it's hard-won immune system are showing definite signs of collapse. I know that I should be resting - I KNOW that I should be moving through all my ick and stuck, but there are a few reasons why I can't just yet.
1) semester one of uni will be over in about two weeks. if I can hold on til then and get everything done, that would be great. the fact that I'm working at the same time is difficult...to say the least. but I'm trying.
2) I can't figure out what is really bothering me. I feel like I'm in the labyrinth of my mind, hunting and hunting for the cause of the storms, and I'm just too tired to keep going, but I try anyway. I am close to burnout.
3) I am finding it hard to let go of things. (well, harder than I did find it before.) I did not mention this yesterday because I thought I could let it go, but I saw the x-rays of my spine for the first time yesterday. The images were... alarming. I went into shock for a good hour or so. My chiropractor said that I do have scoliosis - something we always thought possible, but were never sure of - but most of it is compacted into the lower part of my spine. If I had a corresponding upper twist, I would be having trouble breathing, etc., because of my spine. Nevertheless, just looking at the image of my lower back made me want to cry. I didn't realise it was so bad.
4) I'm feeling sick, angry, and, occasionally, ignored. This is mostly a reflection of my inner power going all wonky. The sickness is because I'm pushing my body too hard, but I don't know how to stop right now. I'm beginning to forget things... which is really bothering me. I've forgotten two or three major things in the past week... and when I remembered them I would swear and near on have a panic attack.
I do notice how this is all sounding - close to burnout, need a break, can't keep going. But I haven't quite figured out how to move through all this in a way that is going to be empowering and rejuvenating for me. So I'm just going to wait until the way reveals itself.