stone skipping!

Thursday, August 18, 2011
I now have my lovely stone skipping cards from Havi (The Fluent Self) and am so happy with them! So I will be writing some stuff relating to them more often now...


I'm thinking of a project. Well, it's not so much a project as a thing that I am alternately giggling and worrying over (confusing, I know). So I have been regularly going to the stone skipping cards to help me puzzle it out. Basically the cards have little questions and suggestions on the back for assistance (and boy do they make me smile :))


So today I pulled out the card that says "Some of the ways I'd like my project to express love and tenderness towards me are..." and just started giggling. Because my 'project' concerns a person, and so this makes me gleeful no end. XD


It's fun how a little card can so easily cheer me up~

gripe.

Sunday, August 14, 2011
Understandably, with any chronic condition, there are times when everything can feel lost and useless. You can feel like a worthless lump of meat that brings frustration, worry, and pain to everyone around you. (This especially can occur when you are also lovingly bestowed with cognitive and emotional issues such as depression, anxiety, or general paranoia and distrust.)


This, currently for me, is one of those times. Now, I'm aware that my grammar and sentence structure (and perhaps even my spelling) is completely off at this moment in time, but please understand that I am labouring under multiple issues such as what is termed 'brain fog' - where keeping thoughts in your head or creating sentences that make sense becomes exceedingly difficult - ps. this is WONDERFUL when someone asks you to explain your condition. It's super helpful. I'm also dealing with issues like : pain. all over my body; low mood; low immunity; sore throat; pounding head; sore eyes that do not like focusing in the slightest; worry and such over relationships; stress about assignments and related stuffs; oh. and of course. I'm super exhausted.


I have recently realised that I have been thinking of my conditions largely in terms of how they affect me (to be fair, I cop a large percentage of their effects). But I have also been thinking of how much worry and stress I put the people around me through. I mean, sometimes all I really want is for someone to actually listen to me talk about how I'm feeling and not instantly start wondering how they can help me or 'fix' me - but this is how we are largely programmed to respond. There is a problem - how to fix? Some people will refer to diet, exercise, or perhaps a specific doctor that has been great for them.
But sometimes all I want is for them to listen, and to try to understand just how much I'm having to deal with. This helps me to feel justified in my conditions (most of them do not seem obvious to most... which makes it even harder for my brain to realise that I need more rest than others).


I actually don't know what I was rambling about just then. I would probably have to read it over to check. Oh dear.
Basically, right now, I feel despondent and defeated. I want to talk to someone about everything I've had to deal with, but I don't want to add to their problems. Plus it really is the. same. old. thing. with me sometimes and I'm aware of that. I have noticed that I kind of oscillate between about five different topics, those being: health, study, future, family, and feelings/relationships. Each of the other four link into health most of the time. I used to have these wondrously philosophical and deep conversations with people, and help them through problems, but I've never really been on the receiving end that often where I haven't instantly felt like the person was either trying to 'fix' me or make me feel like an absolute idiot. And this comes, mostly, from the brain fog. Now that I can't explain myself properly - or get distracted from what I was originally saying - I don't give people the full story of what I already know, and what I've already thought of. So I often get people telling me things that I ALREADY KNOW and I end up getting frustrated. Kind of stupid really.


Xin and I went through a checklist of symptoms for fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome tonight. This is a huuuge checklist of about 50 to 60 different items. I had at least 40 to 50 out of the total. It was completely  crazy. Some stuff that I hadn't even thought about linking in to these conditions I have been dealing with for years.


So yes. Basically, right now, I feel teary and alone. And I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise for such a randomly written and poorly structured blog post. I'm fairly sure it will read like the mind of either a two-year-old, or of Willy Wonka (as played by Johnny Depp).


Love~

VPA: because it's Friday. and Friday Chicken: because I can.

Friday, August 12, 2011
Thanks to Havi of The Fluent Self Blog for lovely traditions. Moving on...


Friday Chicken


The BAD.
Euch. Euch. Decisions are too hard and I've been feeling much too sick to deal with anything, especially study or decisions and chase-ups about my future. It's been impounding on me a lot more lately.
Guilt has been hovering over my shoulder much too often lately, along with his frustrating friend disappointment. Oh, and anxiety has been floating around too. A lot.


SICK. I know I mentioned it already, but my CFS has been acting up like CRAZY this week (I think since last week's horrible rush-to-the-finish seminar) and it's been hard pulling through. Study is creeping up on me awfully fast lately - my next major assignment is due in three weeks. THREE WEEKS. I know that may seem like a lot, but given my current condition and impounding stress - GYEARGH.


Misunderstandings and awkwardness (leading to MORE icky stress) between me and people I care about has been really awful. It's made me feel worthless and completely confused about everything that's happening in my life, and made me go back to bad habits about health-guilt and such. I don't feel that I should feel bad for taking time away from Uni when I know I need to, but sometimes when things get bad I go back to "maybe I should be trying harder" and such. Ick. Paranoia has been rife here too.


ONCE MORE WITH FEELING - SICK. This just feel horrible as it is. And worse than it has been in awhile. I think all the stress from above is adding up horribly.




The GOOD.


GAMING has really been a savior for me while I've been sick. It's given me back some glee and  excitement, and even more bonding power with not only my beloved Xin, but my brother too. Plus, they're fun!


Some glee has come from possibilities for future study, and from breakthroughs in current study, but they have been relatively minimal.


Xin has made things easier in a lot of areas, and has supported me through a lot of stuff. So more love to him :)


Good conversations with people I care about have been helpful, but too minimal for my liking.


Uhm. Not sure really... Yes. In a bit of a bad mood now so that is colouring my entry, but I honestly can't think of much more...




Very Personal Ads
Thing One: RELIEF
What I want: .Just some release. Some assistance to let things go and to be okay with letting things go. To be comfortable with getting the rest I need.
How this could happen: I honestly don't actually know. Perhaps friendship intervention.... or ability to get away from my rut.
My commitment: to be okay with myself. to relax and move through this in a way that is slow and steady.


Updates~


Well, last time I wanted help with my relationship with money, and I think I'm still moving through that.
I also wanted some macarons - and I got some!! Two in fact. One was pistachio with white chocolate, and the other was citrus with salted caramel. Oh my goodness they were delicious.
Thing three last time was rest, and I guess I got that, but not quite the peaceful rest I needed. As I seem to be needing some more.. Ah well.


Onwards!

Personal woes.

Thursday, August 11, 2011
Okay, this post was going to be a big rage-a-thon against a certain person in my life that manages to make me feel completely worthless and stupid without meaning to (the majority of the time). In fact, I even wrote out said rage-a-thon. However, half way through my rant, I realised that it wasn't telling the story of how it happened, or even the person involved, but the way it made me feel that mattered.
I felt like all of the energy had been instantly drained out of me. Like all I could do effectively was sleep and cry occasionally. Like my personal choices are always going to be bad ones because I'm influenced by my illnesses. That perhaps I'm letting my illnesses rule my life.


All I want to do is be able to go up to this person and say "you know what? only my choices about my life are the ones that matter, not yours. and I'm doing a pretty good job of looking after myself and my interests, while still attempting to enjoy life and all it has to offer. so I'd appreciate it if you didn't make snide comments about my health when I'm rapturously talking about my dreams to travel and to work and to write. that's not supportive enough. so perhaps it is not me that is making the ineffective choices about life and the way to handle it, but you."

I don't think I'll ever be able to say that. They don't even know how much they upset me by their throw-away comment. and I'd prefer it to remain that way for now.



Sorry for the randomness of this post, but I needed to talk to someone, and my blog was all that was available.


Love~

updates!~

Wednesday, August 10, 2011
New updates to my wishlist post here!

Today I saw a careers counselor, which was both helpful and unhelpful. helpful because she mostly answered my questions and was supportive to my situation, unhelpful because she didn't really offer me anything that fantabulous. It was a tad frustrating and ...soul-crushing. Because she told me how much it's going to cost me to go ahead with the diploma I want (as far as we know, NOT HECS-HELP SUPPORTED) and also how difficult it's going to be for me to find the position I want. She said it's possible, but will require a bit of work.


See? A bit frustrating.


Other bad things included the fact that my back has decided that this week would be the best time to solidify into one solid mass of knots and ow (at least it didn't happen last week) and my body is really starting to feel the effects of so much study and *push*.


GOOD THINGS THOUGH!


Xin was super supportive today and came early to be there when I came out of my careers appointment (yay!) and then bought me an early lunch (pumpkin turnover and peach iced tea~~ yummmm~~). And we went to pick up lovely prizes for doing the CASS Survey (Curtin Annual Student Satisfaction Survey) - it was a lucky dip, and I won a $20 iTunes gift card, while Xin won a $30 Curtin Bookshop gift card (which he gave to me... >sends lots of snugs his way<). So yay for that :D
And then when we got home I got to spend many hours with him, while he gave me a relaxing massage, we watched Good Game, and then we gamed for about an hour! Lovely times were had by all. (I love you Xin!)

So, the day had it's most definite ups, but the downs are kind of worrying me. Plus, since I've been nursing my body (with particular attention to my back, stomach, and head), I've slipped a LEETLE bit behind on study. I have spent about half an hour tonight telling myself that this is okay. because I have the super permission slip of wondrousness that is my need for extra resting time and and and... personal friendshipness to myself. So no vampire elephants for me (though they are hovering about a little bit..).

Anyway. Off to do some more of my ilecture and such, and then maybe reward myself with books and games and tv shows for relaxation purposes~~

(no, guilt monsters, I will NOT feel guilty for this. I need AND deserve it, after the brain-melting/soul-crushing stuff of a conference with my 'you-won't-ever-have-a-future-that-is-good monster'. so nerr.)



Love~

VPA: so very exhausted...

Friday, August 5, 2011
Again, thanks to Havi of The Fluent Self for creating such a wonderful, fun thing.


Thing One: More.
What I want: I have asked for assistance with this before, but I need a little more help, time, and space to be able to move through it. The issue is my relationship with money, and how I tend to use it as a way of distracting myself from uncomfortable emotions. I would like I better relationship with money, and perhaps some more gentle thinking and love for myself and my stuff.


How this could happen: I could do some research. I could talk to Slightly-Future-Me (another Havi technique), and work on meeting myself where I am. I could interview myself to start understanding if there is a line I get to that pushes me to retail therapy, and what, if I can, these uncomfortable feelings are.


My commitment: To meditate on this and on myself. To maintain kindness towards myself while I talk this out, and to make myself open to the possibilities. To be gentle.


Thing Two: Macaron-a-ron-a-ron-a-ron.
What I want: To eat Macarons! To savour them and to feel happy for getting them. To bake them!! (maybe) To have more books on them to look through!! Basically, I want more Macarons in my life. Yup.


How this could happen: I could finally get some from the city, I could get another library book on the subject! Someone could gift me with something macaron related! It could happen...


My commitment: To be okay with NOT getting macarons. And to keep looking at photos of the delightful little jewels anyway. :P


Thing Three: Rest.
What I want: My recent run-in with having to work very hard at a group assignment which didn't seem to be going anywhere showed me that I'm not taking as much time out for myself to rest lately. I'd like to get into a habit of resting everyday, even if it's just for a 10 minute meditation, so I can keep my energy reserves in tip-top condition. This also means commitment to earlier nights and better sleep, and perhaps better diet..


How this could happen: I could process the process and do some scribblings on it. I could make the commitment to doing better things for my body, in balance with keeping up with study. Perhaps some super wonderful technique or new tactic could suggest itself to me that would help me stay motivated. who knows!


My commitment: To be nice to myself and my body. To use this as a new learning curve, a new project. To be excited about the possibilities!




Update since last time~~
I wanted some inspiration and such relating to my next route of study, and I got some!! A book lent to me by my darling Xin rekindled some passion and curiosity in me in an area which I was a little unsure of before. I'm now moving ahead with plans, and, hopefully, will get into the course I'd like.
I also wanted  some giggling space for the new thing on my mind, and I got some :) In many different forms!! I've also been given even MORE than I asked for, and have laid to rest some anxieties and such relating to the new thing, while still feeling giggly and lovely about it :)


It's so lovely seeing things going ahead!!


Love~
All content owned by Bethwyn Walker unless otherwise stated. Powered by Blogger.

books | chronic illness | lifestyle | wellbeing

Powered by Blogger.
Back to Top