I am very tired.

Hopefully there will be a more comprehensive post tomorrow.

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Make Me Feel Safe.

There has been a lot of stuff happening over the past couple of days. I've been sick and dealing with medication side-effects, trying to get ready for Uni (first class back tomorrow! eep!), friends close to me have been going through really difficult things, and friends not so close to me have been too.

The majority of the time, I believe myself to be an optimist. While I see that things are bad, I try to recognise the things that are good, and see that things will get better.

So, the good things include - time with Xin, who made me laugh a lot this evening, time with Bronte - who now loves her huggles and cuddles. Time with friends. Time to realise things that bring me the warm fuzzies, and things that I want. Plans for my birthday. Learning new crochet things (still learning.). New games played with Xin. Being able to help with problems, even if it's just being that someone who listens and gives hugs.

Do I wish I was super healthy and not experiencing side-effects from something that is suppose to be helping me? Of course. I most definitely DO wish that. But I'm doing the best I can, so all I can do otherwise is wait. When it gets too bad, I'll rest, when it's not too bad, I'll keep chugging. And I'll keep imagining my safe room, and adding things to it.

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Belated Friday Chicken and gushing..

Friday Chicken #3~

Oh my brain is not working well right now. I am ridiculously relaxed after a lovely bath, and feeling a bit out of it because of feeling a little sick. But here we go!

Bad stuff.

Ew sick.
Yes I was sick for most of this week. I also saw my doctor about it, and am on new medication which is messing with me, which brings me to my second bad stuff thing..

Emotionally unstable.
Euch side effects. Euch feeling angry one minute, sad the next, and normal after that. Wanting to cry a lot is not something I'm used to.

Problems.
People around me are having to deal with some crap stuff, and I'm not sure how to support them, but I'm doing my best.


Good stuff.
New opportunities.
Acupuncture is okayed by my GP! Woot!

Friends.
Being lovely and random out of the blue. Thank you for being that way.

Gentleman.
As always, lovely and caring and wonderful. Looking after me even though he doesn't have to. Love.



GUSH!
I went on a big shopping spree at one of my favourite stores today. Lush! I spent a bit too much money, but I'm feeling so lovely and wheeee now. And my skin feels lovely! Yay. I should try and sleep. Heat heat go away...

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Bring on Winter.

Okay another short post because today was full of ow.
Still sick and having to push myself to get things done.
Today also had a shock, confusion, cuddles and lovely, and new yarn ^_^

I'm hopefully going to have an early night, because tomorrow might be stressful too.. I'm hoping for rest though. In an air-conditioned room. Seriously, the weather is starting to kill me a little.

Night all!

P.s. I'll post a Friday chicken tomorrow.

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Title here please.

Today was confusing. New medication = ow and blah.

However. Preparations for my birthday are coming along regardless, and I'm slowly canceling a lot of things that are going to be happening this weekend since I want to recover in time for uni on Monday! I believe that this is an achievable goal! XD

Mostly today has been about cheering myself up and cuddling with my puppy. ^_^

I'm pretty brain dead right now, so that's all for now!

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Very Personal Ads #3

And here we are again. This blog has made me appreciate how fast time goes by...

Btw, if you want more info on VPAs, please see here!

Thing One : LIFE!
Whatiwant.
Okay well. Lately I have been thinking about (having mini-freak outs about..) where I'm going with life and what I want to do with it.
The thing is, I'm mostly telling myself lately that most people don't know what they want out of life, and also that I've still got so much time to discover a wonderful Love. But can you really blame me for wanting some more of an inkling? I'm doing this degree in Psychology and I still don't know what I want out of it..

Howthiscouldhappen.
It could happen like a big bolt of lightning - like.. Wow! Yes! That's it!
Or it could be subtle and happen over time. All I know is that it will be something I love and doesn't feel like WORK.

Mycommitment.
I'll remember that some people never know what they want. And that life is beautiful regardless of whether I have a passion or not.
I'm extremely lucky right now. <3


I don't really have another thing right now... So I'll review what I mentioned last week..
Okay so my first thing is that I wanted warm fuzzies. I must say I've been doing pretty well with that. I've started my list, and I actively check in on myself now to make sure I'm okay. The warm fuzzies are easier to attain then.

The second thing was organisation. And I'm almost done with that, even though I didn't manage to get to the orientation. I've prettied up my lecture pad, I've attained a textbook, I know when my classes are and I just need to write my list of suggestions for better study. So yay! Thank you Universe!


Just a quick post on today then. It was slow, but I got to spend time with Xin, I got reading and browsing done and I helped my mum out as much as I could since she was having a lousy day. My thoughts are that I need to spend more time with Brontë since I haven't done that since Monday! I played with her a bit today, but she's growing up so quickly.. <3

Leave a Comment brontë, very personal ads, Xin

Literature

Excuse me, again, for the poor construction of this blog post. This time I'm writing it on an iPad, though, so I'm moving up in the world! XD
Today when I sat down to write this post, I stared blankly at the title bar. I haven't had any profound thoughts today, nor had I really thought much at all since I've been so sick. Not that I've been in complete pain or vomiting up my lungs or anything, just sick so that I was in just enough pain, and just enough discomfort. I could barely focus on my favorite magazine. THAT is how sick I was.

So, the idea popped into my head that I would do a short, ill-formed post on how much I adore literature.

Now, when I say literature. I mean any thing that I can read that isn't on the back if a cereal box. (not that I don't appreciate the little things on the back of cereal boxes - they often brighten my day.)

Today, although sick, I thought about reading. I read as well, but mostly I couldn't do that, so I thought about it. I recently finished a delightful little book which I immediately wanted to read again. It was everything that I needed- relatively light, with a touch of dark stuff. Romance and adorable characters. Country towns and authors. Tea! Honestly, it made me realise how much I love reading. And how much I MISS...england. I've been there once and I loved it. I miss Bath most of all. It is honestly one of the most darling little towns, filled with cobblestones and old buildings wedged between shopfronts.

I adore all kinds of reading. Today I wanted to read books, but couldn't. I did, however, manage to read a few articles in my favorite magazine (frankie magazine - please witness the lovely here) and an article in the economist on psychoanalysis. This all reminded me how much I adore these past times. The written word gives me occasion to disappear into a different world, to be inspired, to feel new things. I have read several books on reading itself, and they give me much enjoyment too.

And now, since I think I have expended today's allocated brain juice, I will head to bed. And hopefully, sleep. After some reading. ^_^

~tomorrow I'll do my Personal Ad post. Bear with me!

Leave a Comment reading

Trip of Guilt.

Yes, so. My doctor has told me that my body is battling a virus, which is why I've been feeling so shoddy and painful lately. So basically she said "rest, and lots of fluids, and zinc and vitamin c". So that's what I'm doing! There were a lot of so's in that paragraph..

Tomorrow was supposed to be a big day for me, and it's looking like it might have to be cancelled. I've already had to back out of going to Tai Chi tonight (a decision that I did NOT want to make..) and sleeping over at my lovely Gentleman's house. T_T

Tomorrow was supposed to be orientation stuffs, coffee with Xin and a new friend, and then in the evening my first French class! My body seems to be demanding that I rest tomorrow, but I think it still depends on how much sleep I get tonight. I think if I get enough sleep tonight and feel better in the morning, I may be able to pull it off.

I've noticed that whenever I get sick my immediate reaction is to rest, and then cancel everything the next day so I can rest some more. Sounds like a healthy option now that I've typed it out like that, but goodness to I feel guilty about it. I'm tried talking to myself about it, I've tried talking to others - even to the point of asking "Do I look sick?" (ask Xin, he has heard this question many-a-time). I begin to question myself, wondering if I'm cancelling things because I'm nervous or don't want to go, or because I'm ACTUALLY sick and this is what my body is asking for. And most of the time, once I've started questioning myself this way, I end up not knowing which way is up. And I think this may be because I'm over-analysing myself. Perhaps, what is ACTUALLY happening is that I'm sick. And from this, my body and brain are going "hey - rest time!" while little analytical me sits there and questions it til the cows come home. (Not that the cows come home... We don't have any cows.)

Tomorrow I'm going to take it slow, keep in touch with my body and the little walls it's trying to build, and only go to things if I think I can and it won't have a negative impact on me later. <3

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Euch.

I wasn't going to post today, thus not fulfilling my goal, but I didn't end up falling asleep when I wanted to (because I'm still quite sick), so I'm now sitting in the back room. I have just devoured a slice of chocolate cake with ice-cream, a handful of strawberries and a handful of grapes. I'm trying to comfort myself, I believe.
I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow. And I need to talk to her about four different, equally important topics in our short time together.

I feel rushed just thinking about it, and I already feel upset about being sick and unable to sleep it off.

Ah well we'll see. Sorry for the short and ill-structured post - this was written only phone...

EDIT: And by only phone I meant on my phone. sigh.

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I am sick.

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Friday Chicken #2: the >insert sick-looking face here< week.

For more information on Friday Chicken, please see Havi Brooks' blog The Fluent Self. Here.

Alright. Let's do this.

The hard stuff.

Pain hurts.

Okay, so some people say that pain is a good teacher. And I agree. But seriously, lesson learnt. My body has no idea what it is doing.

Icky hurty painful feelings.

Guess what? Being in pain and thinking about how your body doesn't know what it's doing can often make you feel an itty bit depressed.

Thanks so much to my Gentleman for making me feel better and more capable about this. And also for helping me set up a tentative plan of 'getting-betterness'.

Hothothot.

sticky icky weather + feeling sick are not a good mix.

Worry.

I've been feeling off and worried all week this week. It's been very hard to comfort myself and I've needed more outside help. I also haven't really been sure who to approach about GETTING this help.

The good stuff.

Warm fuzzies!

I finally started a pretty list of things that bring me that warm fuzzy feeling. It's in a journal I love and is written with pretty pastel colour pens. I add to it when I think of things.

Readings.

I borrowed out some Yen magazines from my library and ended up buying the most recent issue with my limited monies. And I enjoyed them! Still reading one. ^_^ They are making me smile.

I'm still waiting on my issue of Frankie though...

Time with my Gentleman.

I got to spend quite a lot of time with Xin this week! It was really lovely and I feel like we're communicating really well right now. Plus Valentine's stuff was funn~ <3

Awesome times over the weekend.

Getting to see and meet so many people was wonderful! Although getting burnt wasn't fun.

Tai Chi

Still loving it.

This post is earlier than usual today because I'm going out this evening with Xin to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show! It's a charity event, but it starts at 12am... I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow... T_T

Leave a Comment friday chicken, reading, tai chi, Xin

Goodness. Thursday already.

Today was fairly slow and lazy. Just what I wanted really. Although I would have liked more loves~ ^_^

I ended up feeling completely defeated by my body last night - I was pretty depressed. I've been dealing with different pains and constant sickness for ...>calculates< about 10 years now. Almost 10. Wow.

While I've been getting better recently - I've been more active and capable than I've been in years - it's still quite hard to deal with recurring and frightening problems.

My Gentleman (as always) supported me and suggested that perhaps Western medicine has done all it can, and that I should open a door for Eastern medicine to walk through. I've been considering acupuncture for some time, so this was a bit of a push in the right direction. Plus, now that I'm doing Tai Chi, it feels like the right time.

Today was full of warm fuzziness. Things like Yen magazine, op-shopping, beautiful new music, books and recipes to try, thoughts of tv series I'm about to start and uni studies that will be happening again soon.

I haven't had too many profound thoughts today really, merely thoughts on my pursuit of warm fuzziness. Tonight I chose to spend for myself. I'm not sure what I'll spend my time doing, but I hope that it leads to feeling good and comfortable, because that is what I need right now.

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Repeating Again.

Happy humpday, guys ^_^

Today was ...grounding. Like my wings have officially been clipped and I needed to deal with that.

I had the most awful pain in my abdomen today, and it was really frightening. My Gentleman was having to look after me for most of the morning because I really needed him to (I'm just realising now that this is okay.) I basically got up, dealt with the pain (well, tried), and then Xin put me back to bed where I slept for four hours while he read, dealt with emails and surfed the net, etc, at his desk. I didn't even realise.. which was a testament to just how much my body needed that rest. I'm not sure I understand WHY it needed that much rest, but it's still asking for it.

For awhile, my stomach seemed to feel better if I moved, but the rest of my body was screaming REST, so that was hard.

My thoughts today have been directed a lot more toward my warm fuzzies, and how I can attain them. I feel I really need some recharging, but I don't know how to get it. Especially with the weather being the way it is right now. I can't escape feeling hot and flustered sometimes. I want to sleep in my own bed tonight, but my room is ridiculously warm and stuffy.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Warm fuzzies. I've started my list. And I've started drinking peppermint tea again and reading pretty magazines. I even bought myself one today with my limited monies, but I feel good about it. I'm trying to look after  myself, but sometimes you just realise how hard that really is, you know? How do you properly relax? How do you take your mind off of the thing that is getting you to relax in the first place?

I need to rest. What does that mean for me?

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Very Personal Ads #2

Well hi once more!

This is my second time completing a Very Personal Ad post (please see here for more information), and I'm very tired and sore and sick, so please bear with me.

Thing One: Warm Fuzzies.

What I want.

I have been feeling decidedly un-fuzzy of late, what with the sick and the ow and the ARGHHHH. I have a certain feeling that comes whenever I read a select few magazines, or books, or whenever I look at vintage or op-shop clothing. All I can say is that it's my warm fuzzy feeling. It also comes when I huggle my Bronte or my Xin, and when I do something lovely like drink peppermint tea or snuggle down to watch something I love.

I want this feeling back.I haven't felt it in so long... and that's just plain silly.

Ways this could happen.

A favourite magazine could arrive soon (hoping! but it's usually a week and a half late...), or someone could lend me a magazine or book that gives me this feeling.

I could make a list of things that bring me this feeling, and then go about making them happen.

I could walk around and think about whether there is something that is blocking this feeling from coming to me, and then think about how to talk to this feeling.

I could spend some time writing about my dream home.

My commitment.

I will be kind to myself, and take care of my needs.

I will remember that this feeling has been here before, and will come again.

I will walk and do tai chi and feel lovely in myself, regardless of where the warm fuzzy is.

Thing Two: Organisation!!

What I want.

   I need to start getting organised for Uni start - up!

Ways this could happen.

I could go to Uni and hunt down my textbook.

I could mark in my journal when classes are, and decorate my lecture pad with prettiness so that I enjoy carrying it around and taking notes.

I could begin some preliminary readings, and write out some personal suggestions (NOT RULES, SUGGESTIONS. I like this more.) about how to effectively and happily study without feeling like running out of the room screaming.

I could chat to Uni friends about classes and get my filing together.

STICKERS. I don't know how, but they will help. They usually do.

My commitment.

I will remember that Uni does not immediately = stress!! It is a place of learning, and thus a place of furthering my journey.

Not everything is about organisation, but it's nice to be organised all the same. ^_^

Okay, update on last entry.

Firstly, I asked for inspiration in the form of a new book. Well, I found a book that I was gripped by (the one on the oral contraceptive pill), but it didn't inspire me, it just led to more euch feelings and general OH NOES. So, that's not actually what I wanted. But is okay! I'll keep trying.

Secondly, I wanted help with my menstruation woes. Things are still plodding on that, but I think my new Tai Chi knowledge shall help quite well. Plus I'm still researching Chinese Medicine and thinking about acupuncture. We shall see. Le Menstruation pains are already kicking in in full force, so I'm already struggling a bit. But I don't want to take painkillers if I can help it. So more massages and aromatherapy! OH. Those things usually bring warm fuzzies too...

Okay. I sleep now. Much love <3

Leave a Comment tai chi, toozday, very personal ads

Tai Chi and other stories.

Today was slow because I have a cooolddd. T_T

Right now it's only minor, but it gets bad at nighhhttt and I don't sleeeeep.

Okay, enough of the extended words.

Today is Valentine's Day! I know most people consider it one of those commercialised holidays and yada yada, but for me, it's just another reason for me to express just how much I adore my Gentleman. I try to do it every day, but sometimes you just have to throw in a little extra, you know?

Since we weren't together for much of today (about 5:30pm onwards), my Xin only got about half his present today. I wrote a letter and a card, and created little 'tokens of my affection' tokens out of little paint sample cards. I also found and made a recipe for vegan chocolate truffles! They turned out quite well, and were so easy to make!! Even my mum liked them~ Tehee.

I made sure the packaging looked beautiful, and wrapped everything up with a bow. I was so proud of my homemade presents! Xin surprised me with something homemade too - a lemon slice (also vegan)! It was really yummyyy. (Woops. Extended words strike again..)

Anyway, enough of the mushy.

Today was my second Tai Chi class, and I'm still loving it!

We continued on from where we left last week - we've learnt about nine moves out of 108, so we're making good progress!! To start with my chi was feeling pretty blocked and scrambled, so it was hard to get back into the rhythm of things, but eventually it happened and I felt so much better! Tip for self: Tai Chi helps with colds.

I really feel that Tai Chi could help me out in many areas of my life, especially my health. Just some of the known benefits are:

• improving circulation
• increasing bronchial capacity and oxygen intake
• exercising and toning muscles
• developing balance, coordination and fine motor control
• improving reflexes
• improving digestion and metabolic rate
• correcting posture (yes please!)
• improve flexibility in all joints

and I'm sure there are plenty more! Plus it helps my chi flow more naturally, and, since it's felt blocked for so long, this is a wondrous thing!!

I'm still extremely interested in checking out acupuncture (I'm hoping it will help with my ovarian cysts...), but, given my current money situation (I'm borrowing from Xin for my Tai Chi classes already..), this may have to wait. Plus I need to consult my GP first. (Please also see last post for a broader idea on why I need to see my GP..)

As you can probably tell, even though I'm sick I'm still feeling pretty cheerful. I think this may be because of my little Bronte being good, my Mum taking care of me, getting to spend time with and being loved by Xin, and getting to go to Tai Chi even though I wasn't sure I'd get through the full class.

I guess sometimes you can suddenly have a lovely day, even when you're having to think through tough stuff. I mostly gave my brain a break from thinking about contraception and cysts today, because it was bumming me out so much yesterday.

Tomorrow is Toozday!! I'll be resting, making delicious and easy pasta for Xin, watching my darling Bronte and hopefully getting ready for Uni (just a bit.. ^_^)

Here's a quote that I plan to live my life by (at least for the moment):

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.

Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.

~Lao-tzu

Leave a Comment tai chi, toozday, valentines, Xin

Erk.

I really didn't want to have to write this post today.

I question why I'm still doing this since nobody is really reading it, but the reading of it was never the main reason I started. It was more to remember and think through the things that are happening. And to give myself evidence that I am still learning and growing.

Today was a bit trying emotionally. This was probably because of a variety of factors, but I'll talk out the main ones.

1. Sunburn hurts.

Somehow (frustratingly) I was sunburnt yesterday and am dealing with it today. I already had a bit of a headcold, so I've been a bit grumpy and grr all through today.

It's mostly on my face, which means I'm a bit embarrassed to go outside (plus even the smallest amount of external heat is quite painful at this point). I also ended up having an allergic reaction to the gel that I was using, so even more grr.

2. The Pill.

I've been considering coming off the oral contraceptive pill because I don't think it's actually doing my body any good.

There is a lot of tension that goes with thoughts on this. While many studies show that the Pill is the leading contraceptive, they also show that it can cause so many side-effects that I'm just not willing to live with. Having been originally put on it for my acne (which is actually still here because I'm on a different Pill now which apparently doesn't really do much for my skin), I never really considered what it was that I was doing to my body.

I have come off it once before since it was messing with my anti-depressant and thus my mood, but then I started getting ovarian cysts.

Ovarian cysts aren't a hell of a lot to worry about. They're basically a pocket of fluid. As long as they don't grow too big or become cancerous, you're generally fine. Unfortunately, mine have a silly tendency of growing to about the size of a walnut and then rupturing, causing me extreme pain and often... spells of passing out with my eyes open. (This freaks out whoever is around me. And me.)

So, my doctor said that the best way of maintaining the cysts would be to go back on a low dose of the pill. My limited research into ovarian cysts insists that this is the most sensible diagnosis, but I'm irritated. I've had small episodes of similar pain, etc, without the passing out while still on the pill. Is this the cysts, or something else? And if it is the cysts, are they going to get worse if I DO come off the pill?

These episodes are the things that scare me the most about my body, and it is hard being scared of your own body. Especially when you're trying to do right by it. I have a huge fear of passing out when I'm alone and hitting my head. What happens then?

I am mostly at the point of wanting to talk to my GP about this, which I will probably do sometime this week, but the whole thought process has made me a bit low. Plus discussing it with my mum has made me feel low and stupid. I know she didn't mean to make me feel that way - she just wanted to make sure I understood that I am also on the pill for it's contraceptive purposes, and that if I come off I run a better chance of having to think about abortion or having a baby. Why yes, mum, I had thought of that. And I do intend, if I DO come off the pill, to monitor my contraceptive needs very closely. Believe it or not, I think these things through.

.....Okay yeh I just got totally side-tracked by another website there. Sorry!

Right now I'm feeling low and blah. Hopefully will find something to make me feel more bouncy soon, like reading a book that ISN'T about the Pill or about sadness. Might re-read something shiny or watch something happy. ^_^ Basically I'm treating myself extra nice this week! So yay. And Tai-Chi and Valentine's tomorrow~ <3

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This post. It shall be split in two.

This Post. Part One.

I'm going to do another Havi Brooks' thing today (because, let's be honest, she's awesome.) A Friday Chicken post. I should have done this yesterday, yes. But it's a BELATED Friday Chicken post, since I was too exhausted yesterday to really think about what I was doing.

 Friday Chicken #1: my week. it was crazy.

For more on Friday Chicken posts, please see it's original creator (Havi Brooks) and her Friday Chickens here)

The hard stuff.

Plod plod..

I had a couple of days, or times in days, that I was so slow moving and owie that I could barely do anything except stare in a vegetable-like manner at the tv, or  attempt to read a book.

This may have been because of medication, or upcoming period times, or even just general exhaustion.

Paranoia.

My usual social phobic self reared it's head a couple of times this week, with the result that I felt awkward and insecure around certain groups of people, or certain people. It made me feel frustrated and grumpy and sad.

Upsettings.

My Gentleman (Xin) and I had a couple of disagreements over the last weekend, mostly resulting from both of us feeling tired, strained and hot. We resolved them fairly well, though, so everything's okay. 

Having to make hard choices and think about icky things.

I'm having to come to some big decisions and resolutions, and it's taking its toll on my emotions. I feel drained from thinking about these things, but they're something I need to keep thinking about, so I'm dealing with it.

I believe I'm going to have to have some big discussions with people soon about these decisions, and that fills me with expectant anxiety and a touch of dread. So I may have to come up with a fun or alternative way to do it so that I feel less harassed.

The good stuff.

Pretty op-shop things.

  I've been having lots of luck with finding beautiful and kooky op-shop things, and for some reason this fills me with joy. I get to wear such lovely things these days!

Lots of reading material.

Not much makes me happier than that.

Toozdays are Snoozdays.

I have pretty much come to the conclusion that most Tuesdays should be about me (and partly about my little puppy, Bronte, because I puppysit on a Tuesday). I require resting, good food (or bad food), lots of snuggles with my puppy or my toy elephant, and general joy. Tuesdays  are Bethwyn days.

Friends!

I've managed to spend lots of delicious time with friends this week, and plenty of time with Xin, too. It fills my heart with joy. And loveliness.

Tai Chi!

I started Tai Chi on Monday!! And I really really loved it. It immediately made me feel better. I loved the slow, careful movement and the focus that is required. I feel that, given time and practice, I could become quite proficient at it.

This Post. Part Two.

So, now that I've done my belated Friday Chicken, I'd like to talk about today.

Unfortunately I woke up today with a sore throat and a slight cold, so I was extremely reluctant to get up, even though Xin and I were both extremely excited about where we were going this morning. Eventually (through coaxing and loves) I dragged my sore body out of bed and got ready to go.

You see, today was the second meeting up of Fight Club.

Not a real Fight Club, you understand, but a group of people getting together to spar. Everyone had different martial arts backgrounds, and it was supremely interesting to see the different styles in use. I, as you can maybe tell, was not involved in the sparring, but took the photos and most of the videos. I really enjoy this role because I get to use a  friend's camera (such a beautiful device) and I have such interesting subjects to photograph. I eagerly await these photos being uploaded to the internets.

The rest of the day was spent nursing my new sunburn (still not sure how that happened, but, regardless of whether I'm in the full shade or not next time, I'M WEARING SUNSCREEN.) and my headcold, and reading a book I recently borrowed out of the library about the oral contraceptive pill.

I must be honest, the data from testing presented in this book are... alarming. I have been considering for a time coming off the pill, since I knew it interferes with my natural hormones in an undesirable manner, but I never imagined that so many other women had suffered so much with contraception. I feel the need to research the sources for this book (once I finish reading it) and then discuss things with my doctor.

Part of my Journey, I have realised, is to ensure that I maintain my body and health and emotions in the most natural way possible. I don't think my body will accept any less, given it's past reactions to things. My one true worry about coming off the pill is that it is giving me more control over the development of ovarian cysts. I have had two collapses because of these, and I do not wish to experience a third if I can avoid it. But is the pill my only choice?

Anyway. I'll finish the book and then get back to you on this. Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. ^_^

Leave a Comment friday chicken, health, tai chi, toozday

Your social style... it is... awkward.

Whenever I go out to spend time with a large group of friends, I suddenly feel very awkward and trapped. I also immediately find myself getting distracted or easily flustered.

I believe this is not just because I used to have a social phobia (more on that later), but because I am highly sensitive to lots of noise and light and blah. There were so many people at this event tonight - the  majority being people I loved or at least liked - and I just felt trapped and claustrophobic. Not all the time, you see. I was distracted from it through friendly conversation and delicious food and also by my lovely outfit (so many beautiful colours <3), but I often found myself going back to that "I feel so awkward" emotion.

This may also have been contributed to by my aforementioned social phobia. I believe I'm going a lot better with it now, but I still feel very nervous and awkward when people have to stand very close to me or hug me or touch me in any way. This feeling has been around since I was in high school (possibly earlier) and I think it makes some people believe me to be either shy or standoffish. [this is the last thing I want.]

The truth is that I still over-analyse a lot of what happens to me. I worry about seeming silly, or getting that look of "what the hell?". I know that I shouldn't care so much, but it isn't actually that simple! (Were it so I'd be quite past this phobia.)

Anyway, since I'm so tired right now, this entry will be more of a 'talking-things-out-so-I-understand-where-I-am' kind of post, rather than a 'solving-things' post.

I still had a wonderful time, regardless, and caught up with many lovely people and ate delicious food! So I'm not sad or frustrated with my social manner, just 'hmm'-ing. ^_^

Hope your Friday night was good too! ^_^

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Not quite connected.

Today was a very blah day for me. I didn't do much at all, because I didn't want to and didn't feel I could.

The one thing I did do (aside from go to the library) was go with my Gentleman to an award ceremony. I'm so very proud of him - he got an award for his work as a mentor. Now, I could go on for ages about how wonderful Xin is and how much I love him, but I know that and he knows it and that's enough.

What I need to talk about is one of the other students who received an award. She won a dux award and was required to make a speech. And as soon as she got up there and began to talk, it was so clear that she was completely connected with the world and what she believed her purpose to be. And that's when I realised that I'm so unlike that. 

I've always sort of... drifted. I've had a vague idea of where I'm going and what I want, but never a true pull towards a specific path or future. And I have to wonder if I'm okay with that. I used to be, but now I feel different. I feel like I need to find something specific to hold on to, instead of just going with things.

I guess my question (which I now pose to the Universe at large, in hopes of an answer in some form or another) is: should I be looking for my special specific purpose? Or perhaps 'purpose' is an inappropriate word for this... perhaps 'desire' would suit better.

Hmm. Thoughts.

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A Manual For Life.

I think this post will be a bit short because I'm absolutely exhausted tonight, and I feel I need my bed. And my stuffed toy elephant, Miyoko-chan.

A conversation with my Gentleman (Xin) today prompted me to think about how many people know about their walls. Now, I don't mean the walls in your home (that would be silly. I mean, all you need to do is to walk INTO a wall and you know it's there.), but the ones in yourself.

Have you ever been of the mood that SOMETHING is wrong, but you're not sure what it is? Honestly that's a very broad question, because the 'wrong' could be many things.. Hmm. Let me put it this way. Have you ever felt that you needed to distract yourself from something in your own mind or soul that you just don't feel you can deal with yet? And yet you're not sure what it is?

[yes I think that's a better explanation]

In my case I used to distract myself from feeling my depression. I would read, watch reruns of my favourite shows, sleep, ANYTHING to stop me from feeling and admitting to that deep abyss of nothing. I refused to acknowledge my wall, and it was just fine with that. It WANTED me to stay away. It didn't want me going in their and feeling everything that was so wrong. It was, in other words, trying to protect me from what was behind it.

The problem was that, eventually, the nothingness got so big that it swallowed the wall and me with it. And that's when I had to choose what I was going to do.

Now, I'm not saying that all walls need to be accounted for. If you encounter one in your own mind, you don't have to immediately go barging in their with a metaphorical machine gun. No. [In fact, please don't?] If you are comfortable with the wall being there, then that's okay. And when you feel ready to see what's behind that wall, do it with care. It might be something that hurts you.

As my Gentleman said, he's comfortable with his wall for the time being, since he doesn't feel he's ready to become acquainted with it. Like a distant neighbour that you always intended to get to know, but don't try until they're walking past your house one day as you leave for work, or some such. Do it at your own pace, and feel what you need to feel.

On another note - op-shopping <3

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I have been procrastinating like crazy over posting today. But I promised myself at least once a day for a month, so I best be getting my butt in gear! (what an odd saying, by the way. since when do we need to manually operate our behinds? hmm.)

 

I have had many thoughts lately on The People I Admire In My Daily Life. These people are friends who make me go wowie because they are so amazing and delicious. (Well, maybe not quite delicious. I'm not a cannibal. Really.)

And the thing is, I got to a point that I was admiring The People so much that I found it difficult to work on my friendships or relationships with them. In fact, it took one of The People to make me realise that, hey, I am the one that's trying to work on these friendships, so, even if The People are is awesome as I believe, I must be pretty awesome myself. Does that make sense? I hope so.

 

Anyway. I had the fortune of visiting one of The People I Admire In My Daily Life recently and they are a particular Person that I find quite hard to ...understand, I guess. This could be for many reasons, but I think a main one is that I was just so put of by their awesome that I got distracted and confused. But when I visited the other day, I suddenly saw them with new eyes. I began to understand. That they are just as vulnerable and confused (or can be) as I am, and that I offer them something that makes them feel >insert warm fuzzy lovely thing here<, otherwise - why would they be keeping me around? And why would they so want to talk to me and so want to listen to me? I understand that genuinity is hard to come by in some relationships lately (goodness, do I KNOW), but I felt it with this Person, and it was good. It made me feel amazing and loved.

Okay, I'm going to finish this post with my first official-Havi-Brooks-related post. So here are my Personal Ads. (To understand better, please see here).

Thing One: Inspire me please.

 

 Here's what I want: I've been in a crazy searching mood lately for an amazing inspirational book.

It's been difficult and I just feel that I can't keep going on with my Journey without continuing to gain things from the Universe and grow.

I want this book to come to me in a kind of wow-that's-the-one! kind of way.

Ways this could work:

Someone could recommend a book to me, or I could stumble across something appropriate on a blog somewhere. (I'm already researching avenues on some of my favourite blogs...)

I could accidentally trip over it on the street one day, or it could already be in my house and I just suddenly find it.

My commitment.

To remember that this doesn't have to happen right now. I'm still on my journey, and while I feel a need more guidance, I can do it for myself.

To not be so stubborn and childish about it, but to search in a calm and careful manner.

Thing Two: Menstruation Madness*

 

What I want:

Every month when my period comes around, it's like sickness city. My doctor has said that this might happen, but I continue to try to find new ways of relieving the pain and discomfort. I am so proud and happy to be a woman, and I enjoy having my period because it reminds me of many things about life. But I don't deserve so much pain every time. Or sickness. Or euchness. SO THERE.

 

Ways this could work:

I could be recommended another book on menstruation to read that is helpful (BOOKS <3), or discover a website full of lovely info.

 

I could somehow get some money and finally manage to buy some new menstrual products that I've heard should help, or finally go try out acupuncture.

 

Lovely people being lovely could recommend natural remedies for me and my crazy hormones.

 

My commitment.

To treat my body with respect and care, and to remember that it's trying to tell me something every time it hurts or feels icky.

To continue to eat better and remain positive and hopeful about being able to recognise my body's needs.

 

(* I will not apologise for talking so openly about something that is natural to me. I'm sorry if this offends you. But please do not read it if it bothers you at all. My period is part of my being a woman.)

 

That's about it for now! I'm hoping someone out there will read this blog and gain something from it. Even though it's my Journey, doesn't mean it can't help someone else with theirs. ^_^ 

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greetings and welcomes~

I have many loves in the blogging world. 

And I am determined to try for a time to blog in a way that is simply my own.

This is the beginning of that. Wish me luck?

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